I don't understand what scares me so much. Why is it when he's mad I panic and fear him? Has he done anything before to traumatize me this much? I haven't told a lot of people, but before the 3rd grade I can't remember my life, maybe something here and there, but there all pointless. Like my brother walking me to school, because neither of my parents could, they couldn't take me because they were fighting. It wasn't hard growing up, until my dad lost his job, I guess you can say I didn't know him that much when he worked. When he was home, he was always sleeping, and the times when he was awake at home, I was already knocked out. I can take his yelling, and threats a little better I think because I wasn't that close to him, I never really knew the happy side of my dad. (its funny b/c I'm trying to write this w/out crying b/c my sisters in the room) His way of a real punishment is to spank a child in the butt with a belt. I'm the only child that hasn't been spanked with a belt, but when I was younger, its a very vague memory, my mom use to get sick a lot and leave the house with out me noticing, after a while I use to panic thinking it was my fault she was leaving. I would cry a lot when she was gone. And one night I lost it and just continued to cry, my father spanked me with his hand, and told me to stop crying, its pointless, no one hurt me physically, so here's a reason to cry. I realized later on that psychical and mental pain are alike, just that right now, I'd rather take physical pain, like my dad it.

I just want to say, why do I fear him, is it because of the spank, I highly doubt he'll do it again? I sometimes fear him even when he's happy. Maybe I just can't another why-you-have-to-do-better-then-everyone-else-in-this-family speech.