if you saw the post before this HAHAHAHAHAHa.

don't judge it made me laugh.

"A well dressed man is more attractive to me than a shirtless man with a six pack." 

oh fuck yes to this ^^ I mean come on. I just going to say that and Happy New Years, or eve, whatever floats your boat. I told y'all but I don't really write a lot when I'm at home, and I messed up my space button, so it's funny. 

well my new years eve will be spent baby sitting, and I don't even care. two years ago i spent it alone, and last year it was alone, but I was watching bridezilla with my sister, sorta. we were watching the same show, just in different cities. only if i had a friend I could do that with, but like we were webcaming at the same time so it would be cute. 

their CD, Kpop for lovers, is PERFECT. only if i had a boyfriend who liked remixed, not necessarily kpop, but was okay with it. But yeah this CD is dope, haha, never using that word again. 

Let's talk about these kids I'm going to babysit, one is 14, one is 10 or 9, and the other is 3, i think. but the freakin' 14 year old is ugh, he always ask me if I'm dating someone (and i lie saying yes). but my dad said that if i babysit them then i'd be able to handle them. i mean i grew up with boys, they call me the "Queen" at my house, no lie, my family always says, "the queen woke up, the queen is hungry, blah blah." but i really wanted to do something this year, I could last minute bail out if someone asks me to go with them, b/c my mom can babysit them, but ugh. i need friends, and sorta, its sad to say this, but i'm getting use to the loneliness again, only one person was able to take me away from this "feeling" twice, but i don't want to go to that person again, although janga at 3 am in the morning is fun.

Boredom! (._.)

I don’t like people, at all. Everyone gets on my nerves, it takes SO much for me to a like a person, sure at first people either will think two things:

1.       She’s really shy, and quiet, or

2.       She’s a bitch, and I hate her.

Only because I come off like that, haha. Side note: it’s cold where I live and we went to freakin’ McDonalds, so I bought a smoothie and I’m shaking.  But back to what I was saying I don’t mean to, but that’s how it’s always been. So there is only one way to find out if I like you, as a friend. I become ‘mean’ with you, like I make fun of you, or talk about how bad you are at sex. Or stupid stuff, but if ‘m always nice to you, and sticking up for you in stupid little fights that are jokes, then I most likely don’t enjoy your company. There have been a few people who I’m like this with, only because I felt they wanted to be to in my life, I repeat felt. They all sucked in the end, though, TRUST NO BITCH. Just kidding, I’m like a teenager, so these people, I won’t know in the future, who knows my closet friend I might not even talk to next year. But if we really want it to last, then we would put an effort to doing to.

I just want to go to the movie theaters, UGH. I have a ride, money, but no one to come with me. This was been bothering me for a while, I should start going out more, but with who. As you can tell I don’t have a lot of friends. But then again I’m used to it. My ‘friends’ usually go out with me. Then again, I can be a Debby Downer (and major douche) if you wake me up before 9 a.m.

OH this blog has over 500 views! Haha I thought I wouldn’t even get over 100, so yay!

I’ll tell you 7(Se7en’s going to enlist into the army in 2013 -cries-) things about my self

1.       I have a horrible addiction to chap-stick.

2.       I listen to music every day, without it I might do something I regret.

3.       If I don’t have gum, or a caffeinated drink, I become a very mean person.

4.       I’m obsessed with me hair, and lie to people about how it naturally looks.

5.       My style of clothes is different then, when I’m out with friends.

6.       I’m really good at math, but used to pretend to be really bad at it so a guy I liked could help me at it. (He ended up moving, telling me “You should have confessed, I liked you, too.”)

7.       A LOT of people have told me not to tell the guy I like, currently, my feelings for him, because it won’t matter to him in the end. But really I don’t like having these feelings and want them to go away, and usually when I tell the person I like them, they go away (sorta). But ehh, I’ll listen to them

Anyways those didn’t matter; I’d tell you about those things sooner or later. I would say if you guys ever wanted to talk comment, but that’s never racking. So I’ve put my tumblr on here right? Maybe? But if you have a bad day and you want to yell at someone who will listen, I’ll listen

Bigbang-imnida.tumblr.com <- go there and you can gladly go on anon, just to yell about, how much you studied for a test, but failed, or how you managed to lose your favorite pencil. I should also I get quite nervous just going on anon, too. But I like hearing your guy’s problems, they distract me from mine.

ALSO so touch a tree.

Gif?

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

You see I write most of these things offline, and I was supposed to go online at 12:00, but it’s 12:14 and I can’t so, top 7 songs played on iPod?(not in order)

1.       Dumbfoundead – New Chick

2.       Miss A -  Breathe (Chinese Version)

3.       Big Bang – A Good Man

4.       Nicki Minaj – Stupid Hoe

5.       Lily Allen – Not Fair

6.       Fun. – Some Nights (intro)

7.       McFly – Love is Easy

(so Big Bang had most of the songs, but I only put up one, and added the next  songs)

Boring ~

So I lied to you guys, and sorta some of my friends. My family in fact doesn’t know anything about my problems, with cutting and all or my depression.  Yes there are other ways to find out if I have these problems. I talked to some people asked about my ‘friend’ who has these symptoms to find out if I should have that friend some help. And of course the people I was talking to, who were professionals, didn’t question is. As to why they didn’t … I never asked. Maybe they thought I was going to get help for myself, again I never asked. But I thought that if I told people, and even you guys, this little fantasy I had of myself being okay, and people thought I was going to be okay, and then I could pretend.  But since my family does not know, I have to be careful with scars, and blood getting on clothes. My sister accidently saw my scars on my legs a few days ago. I told her that the dogs gave them to me, I told that same lie to my mom about a few months ago, but for other scars. I’m happy no one is noticing, because if you didn’t know my dad and brother went through these things. I was just always a loner at home, and they were social, so it’s weird. My dad use to talk about my brother just saying, “It’s a phase, he’ll get over it soon.” So that’s always been my way of looking at what I’m going through.

I’m sorry, so very sorry. I just thought that if I continued this lie with you guys, then in my mind everything would be okay.  I’m just not ready to tell them, and I would like to keep this to myself and not let anyone know except the 3 people in my life that know.

And I haven’t updated in a while, haha. I’m back home, and actually go out here. Well not a lot, but enough to keep me from writing. Well tonight I went out, for a little while to support some, but I’m getting sick, so I couldn’t stay long, about a half a hour. I was on my sister’s phone the whole time, like on tumblr, haha. I still can’t talk a lot, in fact a few words, and then I start to cough, a lot. I have to carry like 2 water bottles with me, ugh. SO HEAVY!

I’ll talk to you guy later bye bye.

OMG I'M SO HAPPY, i CAN DANCE TO SONGS NOW :DDDDD
TROUBLE MAKER ~~~~ 

One does not know how sexy that dance really is. okay well i use to have this friend, whose name starts with a L and he was asian, I miss texting him, we'd talk about all the things I like for hours, but then again, I found that sorta annoying because he should talk about stuff also, but whatever. bye

my old best friends Ana and Mia, are back. ugh 

4 weeks for me, 8 weeks for family&family and 12 for the rest of the world.

"perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect"

hopefully this time i'll do better.

i just need support.

LEON!!! LEON!!!!

Did yoU KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN PERSONALIZED WRAPPING PAPER? I'm so doing that next year, and my face will be on it SO I DON'T HAVE TO SAY WHO ITS FROM.
My caps locks be cray cray today. Haha no. Well I got all excited, and I would probably yell this at you irl. Not many people have been yelled at by me, my voice gets all scratchy when i do, ha. I went shopping for clothes today, and I bet people from my school with not even see a quarter of what I bought. My fashion is no for their eyes, I mean like who am I trying to impress?
So I grew up with video games, and the two I became MADLY in love with were Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat. And my favorite Resident Evil Characters were Leon and Ada. And they were both in the newest movies, with other characters from the game but LEON. 

And I give props the the guy who played as him, so handsome.  I just loved how the Movie brought the games together.

 One Love by 1TYM, it never gets old, oh and when they did a cover of it at the yg family concert in 2010 (i think) with Gummy, Dara, Se7en, and Taeyang~ that was beautiful ^_^ Oh and the song that makes me gangsta Teddy-oppa's Put em' Up. Have you heard about the cafe 

1TYM’s Teddy opens his own branch of Twosome Place Cafe!

Twosome Place is a European-style dessert café that offers ‘small indulgence’ through a wide assortment of premium beverages, including deep roasted coffee, and desserts such as mousse, tiramisu, tarts, shortcakes, cupcakes, muffins, yogurt ice cream, macaroon and crème brulee.

1TYM member & YG Family’s main producer Teddy collaborates with the brand, Twosome Place for his own cafe: “Twosome+Studio”.

It was said that the producer Teddy, was directly involved with the interior and exterior designs of the cafe" (source)

So you know support, my favorite leader, if you're ever in Korea, *cough* I have nothing to say except, I'm leaving tomorrow again, -_- but i'll be with my whole family, including dad. He doesn't even like going places >.< But still then, I'll be back home, and I won't be updating that much, but more shopping! I wanted to get an ipod, but why waste money? Did i mention over here in Lancaster is a hipster central? A lot of those hipster blogs that follow me would love to go to the mall over here, it has a lot of stuff I see on their blogs, ha.  I want a instagram !!!! CL AND YG have one -sobs- I need to follow them D: But i don't like taking pictures >_< so yeah, UGH

p.s.  I love my fandom, Imma go Seungri some towels. 

UGH STUPID UGH, i just wanna... ugh why do I like him? If in any possible way he contacts me I will yell or scream or cry or become a burrito. I don't want to like someone, I just need myself.

I Love You~

Why don’t you know my heart being like this yet?

I still don’t know your heart either

I can’t feel asleep because I’m thinking of you

I think of you with the moonlight and I try to confess how I feel

Why don’t you know my heart being like this yet?

I still don’t know your heart either

2NE1 - I Love You 

I know I wasn't the only one who was happy with this comeback stage way back in July I think? Well its been in my head like all day, and if you saw the comeback stage on Inkigayo, with the intro. Are you ready?~ Haha I loved how it was in English and the whole:

Yeah in the club its gettin' ugly I don't care

Can’t nobody stop the fire

Let them haters sit n stare.

I forgot what I was going to do, I was on tumblr then ended up on youtube... because originally I wasn't just planing on talking about 2NE1, but yeah.

well anyway, I spent a lot of time on Youtube. I could pay for my phone when I get back to home, but I think its a waste. Who do I text anyway? And I get the cheapest plan because I don't have a lot of money, and I don't call anyone. They data, internet, and text are unlimited though. 
100 people are injury a year from trying to move a Christmas tree naked. 
I only got one gift for Christmas, and a lot of envelopes, but hey I'm not complaining they were filled with money. I need a job D: But I don't want any of those run-down fast food, welcome to walmart, type of jobs. I want a recreational(hopefully this is the right word...) job, with the kids! But you have to have experience, and with an internship my school gives, I'll have a better chance to get it, since now my dad want me to wait till I'm in the 12th grade to a job. I'm only sixteen guys, its so lame! Can't I just become a stripper, ha, you have to be skinny in order to though.
OH MA JI, there's this song called Breakfast or Syrup I don't know, but by this girl whose name starts with a K and there's a line that says "stakin' dough, for breakfast," my little cousin says "stakin hoes, for breakfast." I don't why this makes me laugh so hard. 

I really hate Kwon Ji Young, WHY, WHY do you do this to me. You perfect little UGH! 

I need sleep, or coffee, yeah coffee sounds good.

real quick, if you knew me about 2 years ago, this video, would explain my hatred on "this" type of music. But I'm not like that anymore, and I'm more open minded(like hardly,ha)

and they're making HAM! i love ham :D

I don't feel like writing

and I want to delete EVERYTHING, like my face.
so here's a gif

bommie is so adorable, I'm so jelly D:

anyways its Christmas~ I would spend it in the 1st living room with my family, but they be watching a movie ... I don't watch movies with them

but i like them better like this:

umm... three gifs that represent me?:

1.

2,

3.

I want to kill my Spanish (3 points if you know where that's from.) I know how to rap, do I do it though? No, and in public I will do it bad on purpose, but my lil' cousin really like Nicki Minaj so she was listening to her, and I started to  sing/rap with her, because they were making fun of her. Oh I got so mad, and was pointing out everyone's flaw, because no one like them being pointed out, then I felt bad again, because most of them be my family, so I told an embarrassing story about myself, and left.

hopefully I post this before 12 a.m. 

But its almost Christmas!

and I'm sad I won't get to tell my friend Merry Christmas, I mean there are other ways, like internet ways, and he could tell me 'Merry Christmas' first also through another way, but he ain't about that life.

Oops I forgot I promised myself not talk about people close to me on here a lot.

So yeah, I'm going to go look for a movie to watch.

its me, drinking cranberry juice, in the corner of my G-ma's 2nd living room. This house has like 3/4 living rooms. 

MY COUSIN WON'T STOP PLAYING NICKI MINAJ SONGS, I'M ASHAMED TO KNOW ALL THE LYRICS TO MORE THAN HALF OF THE SONGS.

its the morning and my eyes hurt. I just took a shower and got soap in my eyes, ha. I just think I'm going to not eat. Everyone's like you don't eat a lot, ugh, look at me, when I eat a lot over here you guys make a big deal anyway. I'd fucken starve myself if it wasn't going to make me go in the hospital again. So, one time I did starve myself for a while and almost went to the hospital again, so they I started to binge eat, oh, oh that was a very bad thing. I have these scars on my stomach now, and ANYTHING intimate with a person that will make me take of my shirt ... you got another thing coming.

This reminds me, so like about a year ago I had a ex-boyfriend, who I'm still in touch with, and I'm like WHY? Anyways he was 19 when we met and 20 when we were dating. It's odd talking about him, but I told about a few of my friends about him, they met him, blah blah blah. I won't say the whole story, it ended badly, but a lot of my friends thought I lost my virginity to him. Me being like 15, thought 'hey, maybe if I told them I did I'd be cool.' So i told them I did. OH GOSH was it horrible. A lot of people found out, so I came up with fake stories and now some of my friends I have now think I've had sex. And they ask me questions about it and talk to me, and ask what I did  when I did ___ and ___ with a guy. I'm a good liar, when I try, but gosh a lot of girls at my school are whores. But I'm still a virgin, who can't drive. I don't think I'd be able to give it up easily, but when I do 

"Treat me like a princess, but fuck me like a whore"

I go by that, because, I've always wanted to give head, and try anal. 

But lets not go into that. hahahahahaha I forgot the meaning of this post, but a lot of people who read this, are from Russia. Just saying, I can't see who you guys are, but I'm happy you're reading this.

So what you're saying is...

HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO TELL MY FRIENDS (*cough* friend *cough*) MERRY CHRISTMAS? Ugh D; 
anyway there's this annoying person on facebook that gets a new girlfriend like every 10 days and always tags them in his statuses. It's weird, because he's like 12 and gets more action then me... Well today was a good day, no stress, or anything. Freak! I want to take off my cardigan, but they don't know about my "problem." "They" meaning as my mom's side of the family. They think I'm perfect, it's creepy. Oh I know what to talk about, Adrian, or the asian kid from next door. He's like 17, older than me, and yet I call him kid, ha. Well my grandma wants me to date him, but he's annoying. I don't think he likes me in a relationship type of way either. Well earlier it was raining sorta, and VERY windy and my g-ma asked me to go talk to him, because for some reason he's outside, looking at the other neighbors lights. I did anyways, and he wouldn't stop talking about himself, usually I'm okay with people doing that, but ugh -.- he likes almost everything I hate. I mean it wasn't like I wanted anything out of him, just like a good talk for like 20 minutes just to shut up everyone. lets make a list about him
things about him that annoy me(b/c I have a lot of time on my hands right now)

1. He likes Taylor Swift.
2. He doesn't like musicals.
3. Although I like glasses, his are too much.
4. Doesn't like the hipster mustache.
5. Talked about his friends, and how me hasn't hand a girlfriend in long time.
6. Judge people, like girls who sleep with a special bear. Let me just talk about this one real quick. I do that, most of have a reason to. My great-grandma, who passed away, gave me my bear, whose name is Peaches, and I don't think its wrong I have to sleep with him. I wasn't even ashamed when I went on the train with him, and people saw.
7. HE DOESN'T LIKE KPOP? really reALLY? i was wearing my BigBang shirt, too.
8. And I was listening to Nicki Minaj's 'Pound the Alarm' and he was like "ew." Also when Mindless Self Indulgence can on. D:
9. And he said "Christmas music is so overrated." I like Christmas music, even when it isn't the holidays. Haha and it was Fun.'s 'Sleigh Ride' why does this remind me of my friend this is the type of music he listens to, not me. I like rock.

Okay, there was more, but I like blocked him out, and turned my speakers up. Did i mention I brought out my ipod and portable speakers? eh eh eh? Well more stuff happened, like me pretending that I couldn't stay out any longer, and that when the video of me eating soup comes along, I was webcaming, with my sister. HAHA no one webcams with me anymore D: 

oh yeah I'm at my g-ma's house ... with my mom. 

here's a video of me eating soup

why? because i forgot to turn it off, noticed, then just left it on.

I don't eat food over here at my grandma's house, but they had cup a noodles!!!!!!

You’re a freak, like me.

Anyways I saw these two pictures of Big Bang and I thought they were just so adorable.

Big Bang’s biggest fanboy: Seungri, Panda boy, V.I., Victory, Lee Seung Hyun.

Ha-ha, his hyung are always looking at him ^_-

Look at the smiles on their faces, to cute.

I found this CD that someone burned me a long time, its Blood on the Dance Floor. Well before the other guy left and I can’t believe I use to like this type of music, ha.

So we went shopping for Christmas gifts today, and we got everyone, but me gifts, because I don’t like mainstream stuff, just kidding. But they only things I would lie for Christmas they’d buy it from a small store near an abandon Ralphs, where the lady only speaks Korean and the only words I've spoke to her were “big bang, 2ne1.” So I jokingly laugh saying “You still have my gift left.” My sister, looking me in the eyes, DEAD serious, said, “OH CRAP! I forgot, I-I … you’ll get your gift after Christmas.” I just pretended like everything was okay. But later she asked for that she has wanted for a while and said “when can I get it?” so I said “After Christmas.” I was mad, how can she forget me -.- Well I know it’s not that hard, but she’s usually been the one to remember me, but it’s fading, she’s forgetting me too. We went to places and did other stuff. My sister’s car has been broken, I guess you can say, so my brother had to take us everywhere, and he doesn't like doing anything for anyone, so he was acting like an ass the whole time .-. And I’m a VERY indecisive person, so when my sister asked what we wanted to eat, my brother ignored her and said I don’t care you usually know what to get, and I asked what she was in the mood for, because it’s her money and what if I pick something and no one wants it, and even when I have picked, she still chose in the end, so I don’t understand why everyone’s so anal about it.

Also I found it funny, when I said “I should have just sat down in front of the car, because that lady was being too hasty.” Or something like that and my sister asked what hasty meant, ha. It makes me laugh; because she always talks about how Math is my best subject and how English is her best, only because she is an English major.  

What else do I talk about? I mean my depression is like weird, or how do I word this, It’s not that server. And mixed with my anxiety, I've just been a ball of emotion. Right now I’m in the right mind so I can talk about it. I had a withdrawal.  I mean, something that happened to me when I was young, that made me hate myself. So lately the memories had come back, and I wasn't able to keep them under control.  My family isn't really so understanding of what is happening to me. This happened to my brother, but more server, and I was supposed to be the normal child. Nothing like this was supposed to happen; I’m stronger than them (my siblings). And good at hiding my feeling, so when no one noticed that for a month I cried myself to sleep it was normal. But when I accidently wore really short shorts to sleep and my dad saw the cuts on my legs, saying “It’s just a phase, you’ll get over it,” was supposed to be enough.  It’s just weird. I wish I could tell people this is another reason I lose focus a lot. I mean to pay attention, but it’s just my mind is always trying to distract me for other things, things I don’t want to remember. Reason as to why I like people who change subjects fast.

I randomly feel like writing, should we go onto my love life? HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … I wish I had one.  But like most girls out there I have someone who I fancy. No saying ‘crush’ it makes me think I’m going to crush the person.  He’s someone who I don’t know a lot about, but the little bit I know, has really moved me. I’m sorta comfortable about him. I don’t really feel like talking about him now, ha. Although, he uses ‘lol’ and I hate it, SO MUCH, sometimes he’ll just text me back ‘lol’ and I want to yell at him.

Let’s talk about something else. Like how I’m a sucker for corny and sappy crap. Or how I hate curse words.

Sappy stuff first. In my past to relationships, that ended badly, I've never been someone for public affection; I do like the old style stuff. That no one is in our business and the only people who need to know that we’re in love is ourselves. So these little moments are like a big deal to mean, and hardly anyone does these things, because they’re not cool.  So it’s not much, but I also like guys who can rap, or just sing.

Curse words. Ugh having to live with a dad like mine, you’d think I’m over them. Well you’re wrong, I hate them, and they annoy me. Are they really that necessary? Can’t you use another word, or just re-word your sentence so there doesn't even need to be one? These words remind me of yelling, and when someone says them, I think of someone being scolded or about to be in hurt. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s just annoying, but it’s something I’m hypocritical about, also. I saw them, not all the time, but they do slip out. 

you guys should know that I don't edit or check grammar for any of these post. Or even read them over. So I read a Gri (Seungri+G-dragon) Fanfic, my Ultimate  OTP(one true pair), I don't know why I do this to myself. I can only read sad, angst stories, if in the end I'm not crying and my heart doesn't have a lot of feel, or I don't feel like crap and not want to do anything all for the rest of the day, then I read for nothing. Its also the same with music, sorta, I enjoy the sappy, annoying love full or sad that I want to cry, I get annoyed. Well people are here so I'll leave for now.

I felt horrible today. I was criticized so much for wearing a long sleeved shirts and pants, because I usually don't dress like this. How long has it been since some on noticed. I really wish no one did, because when I went home and took a shower, they still stared. My legs get hot fast, and when my neck is hot, I feel nauseous, so they didn't understand, I started to cut again. I mean my memories are back, it going to take longer for me to "forget" them again. I wish I could tell you my secret memory, but its too much for me to talk about it. It was just a hard/fun day for me. Thankfully I'm going to Lancaster, so no one will be asking questions about my long sleeves. 

I Try, But No Matter What I Fail

(just look at her, she won't let me type, trying to sleep on my laptop)

Sometimes I feel really down, and I have to stop what I'm doing and breathe. It's weird, that's one of the many reason I doze off a lot. But I had that feel this morning, it was weird, I had a very nice dream, woke up to soothing music, then panicked. So I  forgot my breathing exercises, I really don't know why or what made me, but I put a certain song on and it was like everything stopped and I calmed down.

Today? Was gooood~ I got gifts! Although I was really tired. 
Do I have to talk about today, though? ugh -.- hopefully it helps -Oh side note guys is suits, HOT- Okay back to today, I got jealous D: why?!>?!?! You know what I don't want to talk about my day, expect I made a fool out of myself and I learned bad news -/-

someone saw my cut today. I panicked when she asked what happened. I made a lie about falling. I didn't mean to  have this withdrawal, but it comes with the healing processes. 


So anyways, i thought today I would be lonely after school, but i had a good time. I don't wish to go to school tomorrow. AND i don't mean to start drama, but my ex use to love starting it, so its a habit to me. I found a letter I was going to give to him when we were dating, I couldn't get myself to open it. So its just there in my backpack. Um i think i should stop eating lunch again, or pretend like i eat it, b/c i always need to cool my stomach down after I eat, and I don't want to bring juice to school anymore. -_-

There's this guy in my 5th period and he always buys me food .. its weird. He stopped for like two weeks, and when I started to talk to this other guy(who is adorable) b/c his only friend left to another school, he starts buying me things again. He wants my V..

I know I usually don't talk like this, but my mind is clear today, except at the assembly we had to at school today, they guy I sat next to was really nice, and we sang Justin Biebers 'As long as you love me' together. haha

What else is there to say, I don't like half of the girl friends I have at school, at my R.O.P class(after school class) I usually hang out with a lot of guys and today their topic was on girls, great right? -_- And this guy was getting all touchy -.- it made me uncomfortable.

Well bye~ 

these two are TOO adorable 

I understand now, I should stop thinking. I just want it to be break already. 
The more I go into the past, the more I mess with my head. I'm never going to tell him, I'm just going to hope he notices how I feel, and if he doesn't then i guess it will never be. 

UGH!!!!!
help D:

Haru, Haru

are you a big bang fan, and you don't know haru haru ? you better go learn it, and love it and understand why it means so much to us VIP's.  And don't get me started on Lies.

what do i talk about ... my day?

it was good i guess? i had a headache, found out i have a C+ in a class, which is very VERY bad. I know i act like i don't care about my grades, but eh. I do it's just, i don't think its an important thing to flaunt. I've been distracted by a lot of things lately, its hard for we to pay attention, I should tell someone that. I did in fact tell someone about my little break down on Saturday, and how i don't remember making these cuts on my arms, my friend wanted to cry when i let her see them. It made me feel good, someone cared.

Today was an alright day, I sorta want and don't want winter break to come, i wont be able to see him~ or maybe even talk to him. But I'm going to see my grandma. ^.^ My head still hurts and I know i shouldn't have ate that chocolate at lunch, chocolate isn't good for me. Actually its quite bad for me, but no one at school knows X)

I'd like to write more, but they'll start worrying if I don't eat

this made me laugh 

i just wanted to say i miss these moves. They never do them anymore, I wonder why...

i did 'it' again. 

maybe i'll tell you what 'it' means, but right now i just want to soak it in. because i didn't mean, or want, to do this again.

I don't understand what scares me so much. Why is it when he's mad I panic and fear him? Has he done anything before to traumatize me this much? I haven't told a lot of people, but before the 3rd grade I can't remember my life, maybe something here and there, but there all pointless. Like my brother walking me to school, because neither of my parents could, they couldn't take me because they were fighting. It wasn't hard growing up, until my dad lost his job, I guess you can say I didn't know him that much when he worked. When he was home, he was always sleeping, and the times when he was awake at home, I was already knocked out. I can take his yelling, and threats a little better I think because I wasn't that close to him, I never really knew the happy side of my dad. (its funny b/c I'm trying to write this w/out crying b/c my sisters in the room) His way of a real punishment is to spank a child in the butt with a belt. I'm the only child that hasn't been spanked with a belt, but when I was younger, its a very vague memory, my mom use to get sick a lot and leave the house with out me noticing, after a while I use to panic thinking it was my fault she was leaving. I would cry a lot when she was gone. And one night I lost it and just continued to cry, my father spanked me with his hand, and told me to stop crying, its pointless, no one hurt me physically, so here's a reason to cry. I realized later on that psychical and mental pain are alike, just that right now, I'd rather take physical pain, like my dad it.

I just want to say, why do I fear him, is it because of the spank, I highly doubt he'll do it again? I sometimes fear him even when he's happy. Maybe I just can't another why-you-have-to-do-better-then-everyone-else-in-this-family speech.

i know i shouldn't do this, but i starting thinking about 'that' again, and i'm getting bad. this is the only reason why i can't maintain a good relationship, any type. i'm scared, i just want it to be winter break, what if i crack before, though?
i just wish i'm able to hide it, but longer this time, no one has time to worry over me. 

I Try, but it's Love

How much you feed of peoples approval, is sickening. I wish you knew how perfect you are, just being yourself. I want you to see that, the real you is when you’re alone with me. The ‘you’ I fell in love with. But those feeling are fading. The other you, the fake one, is now taking over, becoming the ‘real’ you. You act different even around me. I thought could make you feel comfortable and safe. It hurts. I want these feelings of mine to stop, but my heart won’t listen. And I think this is the way it will stay. So if the only way I can stay with you is like this, then I will put up with it. Because people change, and you’re a great example.

I Try to, but I just want it to stop.

All good things come to an end.
We are just friends, its just platonic relationship, or so I thought. But things have become hard, awkward. We've obtain these feels toward each other. Like when we see each other with the opposite, jealously comes to the mind. We have to walk on egg shell around each other, its hard to maintain. If I want to talk about how much I fancy other person, I can no longer tell you my feelings. We get asked a lot of times if we're dating each other, an item. I'm tired of this, whatever we have. I want to tell you my true feelings. How I truly feel about you. Maybe you'll be the only one to understand this post, but I like you. It's not a small crush, but it's eating me alive, trying to keep this away from you. I don't know how long I can keep this from you. But I will, as long as I can stay with you, like this, our little platonic relationship.

I Try, but we about to get mad ratchet in here.

please don't mine my title, but i'm pissed, angry, frustrated sexually. So, my partner for my drama class is just no. We're working on a comedy skit and I'm pretty serious about this, but she wants to do the whole thing with just her idea. No. But i let her thinking 'okay the last skits she did were okay,' but this girl does not know comedy, she knows exaggeration. TOO MUCH OF IT. So I asked her to explain some of her ideas for me like in the actions it just says 'Jump' WTF does that mean? so I not even talk in and just jump, I know that is the attitude side of me, but she expected to know everything she means in her 3rd grade drawing and chick scratch writing. And she apparently got made of me asking two questions and told me just to make up the whole idea by myself. OH did i forget she doesn't even look me in the eyes when I'm talking to her she looks away!! and talks like a mouse >.< I talk loud in the class because its drama people are getting into character and no one is listening to anyone, she looks me in the eyes and shushes me NO NO NO. I started to talk louder.Then she tells me she's not ready to go on stage, but I made her go on stage b/c we only have 1 day to learn this skit. And she shushes me again, and rubs her head, then said "Loud people annoy me." 

Then a new kid came inside and I wished that I waited, b/c no one wants to be my partner, b/c no one knows me -.-

I want to preform first, only for the fact I won't have to see this person anymore, but she won't even rehears with me on stage b/c there is too many people. I don't know who the hell she things she is, but she needs to get things straight, she ain't no queen.

If anything I'M the queen.

(sorry for grammar or spelling, I'm to angry to look over any of that stuff)

I Try, But its Music

I remember the day he told me his favorite band, he was little a kid getting ready to tell him mom about his first A. He made me listen to some of their songs, and gradually I've come to like that band. There not what you would call mainstream, and I was really happy about that. I love the fact that they have a few albums, it makes their songs more special. 

Don't get me wrong kpop is still at the top of my list, but sometimes its good to take a break. 

I just have been listening the that band all morning and I feel calm, maybe because my dad wasn't home also, but for the most part i believe it was them. And music is a big part of my day. I noticed that I've never seen their music videos, so i decided to watch some and they're magical, ha. I really wish I could tell you the band, but I just want to have this feeling for a while Maybe when I can confess my feeling to myself first, then understand that its okay to someone I'll tell you this little guilty pleasure of mine.

I Try, but it's Stupid.

I feel like a stalker. Why? I like someone. Big whoop, right? I usually like the person who I'm closest to and blah blah blah, but this time I actually got to know the person and 'fuuuuuuuck' I'm head over heels. I even found his blog and sorta enjoy reading it. Okay I know that doesn't make me a stalker, but he talked about me on the blog I got all excited. (somewhere in between here i got distracted) but now i feel icky and tired.

don't tell me you don't love this. he got all into it too.

2NE1 Concert in L.A.

First of all I didn't go.

I cried that day. At fist when I woke up I was feeling all good, did my normal stuff and around 3p.m. I went on tumblr. I saw a post that about 3 people I follow saying that they won't be posting things because they're going to the concert. I lost it. I don't know why I took it so hard, it was a worse feeling then my laptop being broken. I know 2ne1 is a worldwide group now. I know they will become so big that they will come to LA again, and I will be a blackjack, with a light stick, in the crowed cheering them on. Also with my sister. I'm happy, though, that the people who went had a fun time and enjoyed the concert. 

Right now I'm saving money, or trying to, for Big Bang's concert, but me being at my age, which isn't that young, and even if I do get a job most will be for bills, and I have other things that I feel I need. 

Like new headphones D:

But I'm more of a VIP then Blackjack, but I asked only like 3 people for money and they had the same problem as me, but if I don't have enough money for the concert, I will ask everyone I know for even like 1 dollar.

50 Shades

So what can I say. I finished the whole trilogy in 4 days. The books wasn't the best, but it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I read a lot of books and fan fiction when I have free time. I love reading. That main girl, Anastasia, said "geez," a lot, that's one thing that bothered me. I'm not bashing the book, because it was an okay read, if you liked this book a lot and it's you're book of the year. I'm happy about that, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. I'm not the best writer in the world and smut isn't my strongest point either, but this book was an erotic novel, and the smut scenes weren't that great to me. Many older lady's enjoyed the booked, it was like porn to them (Come on I know you guys have seen the jokes about that.), the Sud/Dom parts seemed new to them, it excited them, and it had a cheesy love story. He changes for her, I mean where haven't we seen this story line before. To the thoughts of why did this get so big, it was a twilight fanfic before it was a book and the author put it out there, she wasn't ashamed of her writing, I'm not either, a long as my parents don't see it, and  also the Sub/Dom parts gave them a new experience. Most middle aged women have not tried bondage and BDSM and think "ohhhhh so this is what it is like." Blah, I read it, don't know why so many people that it was the best, I mean it's just a normal read, but I read it and that's it.

But if you think different, tell me why, or if you haven't read it go buy the book and prove me wrong, or agree with me.

Wow....

My net-book broke. SADNESSS!!!! Okay enough of me writing like I'm Twelve

And I am very sad, like all my stuff, bad and good are on that laptop. I really like it too, it was small and I only had it for like two year. My stories where on it too!

I just didn't around to posting them because I was afraid that the editing and everything would be bad. I don't have someone editing them for me. I try to do it myself. I'm afraid the editor would make fun of my mistakes. I know lame excuse, but still it makes me nervous.

Good news, I'm getting a new one, but an actual laptop. I'm small for my age, so walking around with the net-book was like heaven. I was so use to it, and now that I'm getting this new on I can't image it. But that means the hours and money I spent looking for music and videos are wasted unless, my uncle magically is able to get all my files off. And right now while I wait for my laptop I'm using my uncles computer until I go back home, then I'll use my sister's net-book. 

Me and my sister are close (sorta) and we had matching net-books, mine black hers pink. now no more.

Yeah, people, attention

Education, knowledge

Huh, yeah, I got something to say to my teachers

Genius is not the answer to all questions

It's the question to all answers

-Lesson 1 (Tablo's World) - Epik high

Just so you know, this has nothing to do with that ^^. I Just recently fell in love with Epik High. I will say it again I am Bias, my favorite actors and artist from Korean are only from YG, or have a connect to them. I found out about Tablo, then Epik High (now have all their albums), then found out Epik High was going to release a new album through YG. I cried ^.^. Okay no I didn't, but I was emotional. So, My favorite album they had was between High Society and Epilogue, WHY? you ask, I don't know I like those the most.

I don't know what else to say ... PIGEON !

I Try, But I'm Lazy

NO! ...
I want to finish the Story Always, but I'm too lazy. I have everything figured out the plot and ending, and I wanted a character death, but I don't know. Maybe time will know blah blah blah. I don't even want to finish Feel My Pain, but there is only like one part left and I think I should. I really look up to a writer online, she writes angst, I can only write angst. The Fluffy-ness makes me I don't know. I'll shut-up for now.
-If this made no sense... ignore it-

I really love the picture of little Daesung ^^

Ugh

Maybe I should talk about the last post but it ends in everyone being a bitch to everyone then, i get in trouble. I really am not in the mood for anything.

i don't know but look Seungri.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO 
So I'm not in a good mood.
Today ~(Wings - Daesung)
Today I want to babysit, i had to wake up around 9, but I was fine with that. I love taking care of kids, but my family (minus sister) were cleaning the house. I felt useless because no one wanted me to help, so I left and took care of the kids till like 5. I was happy, I got money, my phone bill wouldn't be on my mind all week. Then I spent like 2 hours in my parents room because everyone was in the living room and I don't like being around all of them at the same time. Then my dad told me to get out, and I was falling asleep, so I went to living room, and everyone was gone, and decided 'why not do dishes?' so I did, after my dad told me that I should sleep some more, and maybe after I do the dishes I could clean the counter (telling me to sleep then changing your mind -_-). Then I was okay, I went on my laptop for about 20 mins then my sister asked me to go grocery shopping with her, which I did, then I thought with the money I had I could buy some snacks, three drinks and my sister some stuff. I bought Amps(energy drinks). My dad has anger issues, I don't like to talk about that, but he does. As soon as we got home I went on my laptop, to finish watching a show, I blocked everything out, and i went to get some water, because I can, and then I noticed my dad was mad,
...
I'll finish this later, Gots to go

Look GD,

I Try, But It's the Maknae

There is only maknae that matters in this world (besides Minji) Lee Seung Hyun, to me he is just UNF! okay, I can't describe the things I'd do to the man, we aren't even that many years apart. 

He's so cute, funny, the youngest, and he's able to make me laugh, just by hearing him laugh. I'm not going to lie, when I first found out about BIGBANG, I didn't like him. He was at the bottom of my list, but now I don't have a list and he's to perfect to be put last.

You have to give this man props though, because of his Hyun's, he's got some big shoes to fill, and being in BIGBANG, people made it see like they had big expectations of this man. It makes me sad that he thinks VVIP wasn't a success. We all see that stage though right? M countdown (don't quote me though I could be wrong), where he won the stage against GD&TOP. Even GD wanted him to better than his duo, TOP on the other hand. 

I just wanted to say he's our love-able Maknae and we'll always be there to support him.  

I Try, But It's Perfect

I'm really like BIGBANG. Maybe a little too much, but I don't care. I was talking to myself someone yesterday and they were telling me their favorite performance of their favorite band.
I love every single performance that BIGBANG has done, and that I was able to see, but if I had to pick one it would be the Big Shows 2009, A Good Man. I love this song, and that fact TOP wrote it. When they performed this song, it seems as if they put so much heart and soul into it. 
TOP, put a lot into it, we all know about his ex and all, but I feel there is another reason as to why he put so much emotion into it. 

It's the best, right?