Telling myself I won't eat. And that it's okay. I have drinks to get me through the day.

The crying myself to sleep "starts" again. Oh god how much I wish I was okay, or at least good at pretending I am.

The nightmares are back and they're worse. I got no sleep last night. And my emotions are all messed up. And I can't eat.

Why can't we be normal.
I just want to tell him the truth then maybe he would know the fear i live in.

hey can you guess whse life must be fucked up again? and i'm sorry i havent been on in a while and the fist time i am in a while its from my phone and it wont even let my use right puncuation. my life is a mess right now. i got a journal and everything but it doesnt help. i need to know someone is reading this and knows im mentally hurting. i feel like writing again, whitch is never a good thing.

So I'm obsessed with Supernatural

and watched like a clip from the show Daria and her voice is JUST how I imaged it

and at my age I REALLY don't want a boyfriend, just saying.

They are a distraction!

over 800 views

YAY!

So something bothered me today, one of my closes friend gets called this name a lot, and I personally asked a LOT of people to stop calling him that, why did I do that, ugh I don't know. But it's very bothersome to me, and today I just lost it again, sorta b/c a person from one of my classes said "He couldn't be your boyfriend, isn't he gay?" I looked at him with a disgusted face and said things I might regret later. ugh a lot of people at school already hate me.

ONE MORE THING AND I'LL HAVE 800 VEIWS

I'm sorry I feel like I only use this to vent my anger and sadness, but there's not much to say about the happy times, I guess.

 It hurts seeing them together, or even hearing about them

you know that feeling you get when you're with someone and you don't know whether it's good or bad, I'll give you an example:
we me and this person are alone, it's all laughs and games, and we occasionally get closer then friends should, but when people are around, that person just makes a complete 180 and becomes the biggest douche I've ever met. I honestly hate it. Why can't I be a normal person who doesn't care about things like this. And again I know I don't deserve love, but I really want a boyfriend for some reason, but believe relationships in school are stupid. 

teach me how to dougie, and I hate asking people to clean my glass for me. I had to do it like 3 times today, it was annoying.

The whole:
"Babe, what are you doing?"
I actually miss it, I haven't talked to this douche of a jerk in a while, but he always seems to come in handy when I'm lonely...

I can image having a boyfriend in the future (although I don't deserve to be loved) and because I love reading, him coming into the room one night while I was reading, seeing me cry, and just hugging me while he gets me tea, because although I'd be lost for a second it's because I truly cared about the character. And he won't find it weird and he'd ask me about it and I'd be able to tell him about it with out feeling weird. 

"We won't even know each other in five years."

"The worst thing that can happen is he says no."

"I don't deserve to be loved."

Someone: why are you on Jack Antonoff's Instagram?

Me: WAT?@ *closes tab* water you talking about...

I really don't know what to say, but my laptop is working over drive and I don't like going out, especially when the cutest guy here is outside. I need to find questions so you guys can have a better understanding of me 

*looks for some*

• 1: What are you wearing? my church shirt and brown shorts
• 2: Ever been in love? I don't think so 
• 3: Ever had a terrible breakup? yes, i  was crying the whole day, and my friends wanted to beat the guy up
• 4: How tall are you? 5 feet
• 5: How much do you weigh? NO I WON"T SAY but its more then 100 and less then 140
• 6: Any tattoos do you want? no, i think they would look stupid on me
• 7: Any piercings that you want? my tongue
• 8: OTP? GRI = Seungri + G-Dragon
• 9: Favorite Show? TOO MANY D; Sherlock, The New Normal, Walking Dead, Chowder, umm... The IT Crowd, ummm.. a lot more
• 10: Favorite bands? BIGBANG!!(I don't think they're considered a band) Blink-182, Hellogoodbye, other rock bands
• 11: Something you miss? my old best friend in 8th grade, he helped me a lot
• 12: Favorite song? right now? it changes like every 3 days, I like Be Calm by Fun.
• 13: How old are you? ummm..... old enough to get a job, but not old enough to drink, or watch a porno
• 14: Zodiac sign? Libra, bitches~
• 15: Hair Color? Black, but naturally and people always ask if I dyed it. but people tell me black natural hair doesn't exist
• 16: Favorite Quote? I have a lot, but my favorite right now is "I’M GLAD IT’S A GIRL. AND I HOPE SHE’LL BE A FOOL—-THAT’S THE BEST THING A GIRL CAN BE IN THIS WORLD, A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE FOOL"
• 17: Favorite singer? oh my god, umm... Craig Owens
• 18: Favorite color? Purple
• 19: Loud music or soft? low, it makes me feel less sad
• 20: Where do you go when you're sad? my room, i have no were else to go
• 21: How long does it take you to shower? a long time, thankfully I live in an ampartment
• 22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? like 30 or 20 mins
• 23: Ever been in a physical fight? no i'd lose
• 24: Turn on? stuff
• 25: Turn off? smoking
• 26: The reason I joined Tumblr? (so i took these from tumblr) b/c my friend said to get it so we could keep in touch
• 27: Fears? being alone. and spiders
• 28: Last thing that made you cry? I got overloaded on emotions and couldn't keep them in, i was alone in my room
• 29: Last time you cried? it was about two weeks ago
• 30: Meaning behind your url. (which is bigbang-imnida) it mean " My name is bigbang" and I don't know, I just liked it
• 31: Last book you read? the pact by jodi picoult
• 32: Last song you listened to? Out of the Town [*]  by Fun.
• 33: Last show you watched? Better off Ted
• 34: Last person you talked to? Ruth
• 35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Well me and him are friends, close friends, not best friends, just friends
• 36: Favorite food? I like Chinese food the most
• 37: Place you want to visit? I would love to visit Mexico or El Salvador 
• 38: Last place you were? My friends house, we were eating taco bell
• 39: Do you have a crush? sotra, kinda, I don't even know my old feelings
• 40: Last time you kissed someone? umm.. that old bestfriend I was talking about, we were talking last year and that was our way to say goodbye
• 41: Last time you were insulted and what was it? earlier today b/c i look nice going out side and doing laundry 
• 42: What color underwear are you wearing? teal
• 43: What color shirt are you wearing? yellow
• 44: What color bottoms are you wearing? brown
• 45: Wearing any bracelets? nope
• 46: Last sport you played? disc golf, look it up
• 47: Last song you sang? It gets better by Fun.
• 48: Last prank call you remember doing? ugh, I hate prank call getting them and doing them
• 49: Last time you hung out with anyone? my friend at her house, no one was home and she had 3 boxes of pizza, but we wanted taco bell and I had money
• 50: Favorite movie? OMG Coyote Ugly, Mean girls, Scott Pilgrim, ugh, bring it on. I have like a lot 

i mean if you guy want to ask me anything, go here and you can be anonmous and don't have to have a tumblr to ask

So there's this who I text every and yesterday we were talking and he was like "You're better than that." and I don't know what came over me, but I replied with "Actually, I'm not." and he hasn't text-ed me back. I don't care that much, he really pissed me off. I really need to do laundry, but someone is already doing it (did i mention I live in an apartment?). So I have to wait a VERY long time, UGH. I need clothes for tomorrow. I, for some reason, am really excited for school on Monday. I don't even want to go back, but when I think about it, I get all happy -.-

The Websites I Visit the Most according to My Laptop

which I think is a lie

I totally don't use the last two a lot.

dad: why are you crying into that pillow?

me: *muffled* BECAUSE I CAN'T BE CUTE

Image this, you being the other girl. You love this fool and decided it’s no harm, because at first you guys were having so much fun. Maybe at first he didn't even tell you he had a girlfriend and you thought maybe you had a chance, and when you find out you didn't  there was still this little bit of hope. And you find out he likes you too, but he can’t break up with his girlfriend (for some stupid reason, but you still believe it), and it’s all a thrill to you, so you go along with it. You go to his house, and eventually become great friends with his girlfriend and she tells you with all this confidence that she thinks he’s cheating, so you talked to him and told him that whatever happened between you guys needs to stop, but you “love” him, so in a second you go back to him. And everything is a cycle he sees you, only when he wants to and surprise visits and going out to places are limited because everyone knows he has a girlfriend.

 I just wanted to say, it couldn't have hurt that much when we stopped talking right? They day I told him I was more than his little toy and he can play with anytime he wanted. I didn't make him choose, because I knew he loved her, and now he’s married to her. It’s just for some reason he’s been asking my friend about me and know I can’t stop think about him, and how we should have gotten some closure.

I thought I was doing better, well emotionally, but I guess I'm back to square one, ha. It gets so hard sometimes, why can't I just be a normal person, I mean I usually hate being alone, but lately I've loved it, what if I push my friend so far from me that I'll have none in the end. I don't want it to sound like I'm using him, its just, how do I say this, I tend to push people away when I feel we're getting to close, and I already started to say and do things that I hoped pushed him away, and now I don't know what to do. I feel so all alone. I can't actually tell anyone my true feeling about anything right now. I have always been afraid of rejection and getting to close to some, that's a reason why I don't call anyone my best friend, b/c I feel I don't deserve to be loved like that. And I'll usually make sure that they have someone, so when we start drifting apart it won't seem like a big deal, because so far so most of my so called "Best Friends" me and them drifting apart seemed like a normal thing and it was meant to happen. I just want someone to see that I'm doing this.
I'm a crazy person with a fucked up past, and I believe I don't deserved to loved by friends, family, or even have a lover. I just wished that, I knew what I wanted to be happy, and that I could talk to my parents about getting help.

bye.

So i haven't been able to say lately that I was truly happy, but this morning was, and I wanted to text someone, but I didn't because I didn't want to bother anyone and them I felt sad, again. My last post was my 100th and I didn't know what to write. I saw someone with someone else and I felt all funny inside, I haven't felt like this is a while. NINJA STATUS~

any ways I'll tell you about my first (actually second) date ever, the guy was older than me, by like 4 years and we became every close. On night after a party he asked if I could hang out, and I said yes and blowing off and my plans with my friend. We went to go eat tacos, well just him b/c i ate the party and he thought that I was just not eating b/c i was nervous, which was like half of the reason. So i ate one talk, from this fish taco place, and it was cute because there was this little girl who kept saying hi to us and i thought he was going to get annoyed, but he kept just saying hi back every time. After that we went to a park nearby, it was quiet and we were both "nervous." He finally calmed down and then almost fell and then he said he got all nervous again, and kept making me feel his heart beat, and asked if my was going just as fast. I remember that he wanted me to get some safe, and I just wanted to stay longer, but he was a "gentleman." I mean there's more detail to the story, but I don't want to remember much about him now, because at that point he was just as innocent as me, but with a girlfriend, that i didn't know about.

OMG IT'S MY 100TH POST!

and this girl who hates me called me skinny.

omg!

So this is sorta what is happening to me, but like I’ll tell it in a story type and the names of people will be in Korean.

So Mi-Kyung and Hyun Shik are close friends, not really though at the same time. They’ve known each other for a while, but not enough for them to be anything more than friends. They were introduced through a mutual friend named Eun-Bi, who is close to the both of them, but closer to Mi- Kyung, even though she knew Hyun Shik longer.

One day Mi-Kyung went to her extra classes after school and met a guy named Jae-Joong, whom she found out Hyun Shik hated. That didn’t bother Mi-Kyung though, she really though he was sweet, even though he was younger and seemed more mature then her.

A few weeks later, even student in school couldn’t wait for the upcoming break, especially Mi-Kyung; she was so over school, right now. But one day during theater she learned some weird news that really didn’t make sense at first, but a girl named Na-Hyun apparently hated her. She didn’t let it get to her; a lot of girls in this school loved drama and hated Mi-Kyung, so she let it go. The only thing that was different was she has never heard of this girls before, so why would she hate her so much. A few days later she noticed a few of her friends talking about this girl, Na-Hyun, who hated her and asking if she knew anything about it. Mi-Kyung tried not to let any off this mess with her head; she just had to remember about that break coming up and everything would be good. Until one day when her good friend Ji-Hye told her startling news.

“Hey, Ji-Hye” said Mi-Kyung with excitement.

“Oh, hey, umm… Do you know a girl named Na-Hyun?” Ji-Hye said in a hushed voiced that seemed in a hurry.

“No, I’ve never met her.” Replied Mi-Kyung, wondering where this was going.

“Well lately she’s been asking me about you. She found out we use to be close and wanted to know about you and Hyun Shik. We all know that she hates you.” Saying “you” in a song like voice as she walked away.

After that day Ji-Hye told Mi-Kyung how Na-Hyun found out many things about her and was still trying to know more things about her. She was a bit shocked and scared for that fact. Mi-Kyung hated it, she wished she never knew this, she wanted to be naïve and tried not to pay attention to it, but it soon came to consume her. How could someone do all that, and hate a person that she didn’t even really know, was what Mi-Kyung couldn’t stop thinking about. But what hurt Mi-Kyung the most was apparently Hyun Shik knew all about this, and was close friends with Na-Hyun. It didn’t bother her that much that they were friends, but that he knew what Na-Hyun did, but Mi-Kyung could only remember that her and Hyung Shik weren’t that close, so why is bothered by this so much. She started to believe that she couldn’t trust him; she didn’t know what to do. Mi-Kyung wanted to cry, yell, show any emotion and she felt she could only go to Jae-Joong. He was sweet and took everything Mi-Kyung had to say.

After Mi-Kyung’s little realization, she couldn’t wait for that break any longer, but she felt she had to pretend everything was okay with Hyun Shik, but a day before break it was a holiday for lovers and she couldn’t be any sadder. She wasn’t able to suppress these feelings anymore and was about to crack. She slowly didn’t want to be friends with Hyun Shik anymore and thought that it would be better if they didn’t even talk to each other anymore. Why didn’t he just leave her already and go with Na-Hyun, from the sound of it doesn’t he like her more.

it's pretty short, but its true, and I don't even want to go to school that much anymore, what one girl can do to make me feel even more uncomfortable. Can I just leave that school, I don't even want to see her.  

So I went to camp, but before that I learned some bad news. Guess what my closest friend hates me, or sorta dislikes me. I only have two minutes before I have to get off.
i wasted them not writing, sorry .

I'm too old for this shit. I jut need to grow a pair and tell him, "Hey, I do this a lot and I think I should ruin the friendship we have by slowly ignoring you and talking shit and pretending I'm a bad person. Just so I don't have to tell you my real feeling and being scared that we might get too close." I just need someone to talk to.

omg guys I love people with deep voices, god, where it's like very time they talk it's like sex. I don't really like people who have a higher pitched voice. That's why I love TOP(from bigbang) and PO (from block b)
Well I guess I should tell you guy, that girl who I wanted to ruin her life, she has to be on hold, someone head we talking about it with someone and now I just have to pretend that nothing happened.

so just from last night to went from 666 to 677 xD
anyways i fixed my phone and now my father has it...
he asked to borrow it, why am I tying like this
i don't know it seems annoying, ans nick minaj
is playing, ugh

okay they suck, but this is a big thing since my "bad" doing from last year

it made laugh 

I'm sorry about the last post, I want to delete it, I know, she knows what she is doing. I just can't do the easy thing and talk to him about it, with in minutes of me doing so I'm going to be so ashamed I will probably never speak to him again. 
I started to eat just one meal a day, because I noticed how big I am. I want to make it 0 meals a day.

I'm sorry

I look like that bitch, ugh I never met her until a few day ago, but now I understand what people mean, did I mention I look like her? ugh I just got better, emotionally and now this ugh. I know I shouldn't do this, but you read this blog and you know I'm a cold hearted bitch that will do anything to get what I want, and I want her out of his life, and anyone who makes her happy, example: her boyfriend. I have feel no guilt, so if this doesn't end up the way I planned I can always pretend that I have no idea what is going on. Its happened before, and oh look I'm calling my old friend in band...
Guess who has plans next weekend. I know her boyfriend, he will get any girl he can get. And I know that maybe this is going to far for a guy, but it isn't even about that anymore, I did something like this last weekend and I had to turn down a guy, but know he is all on my sack. I know that this is bad, I know I will regret it later, because this will most likely not even get me a step closer to who I really want, but  I  try to ruin her, and make sure her life is more horrible than mine, but I'll stop only if in the end he sides with her.

I think that if I had to choose between love and money I'd pick money.

I want Darcy to be mine. 

And I'm sorry I might not be able update today.

So my stomach was hurting, because of the coffee, and I started to cry because of my brother and sister, so I ate donuts and threw up. 
Anyways, I'm a teenager and their adults sorta, they're in their early twenties, very young, but they're growing up, and it's scaring me. We are a close knit family, we've almost always been together, except for when I lived apart from my sibling growing up sorta, then my sister was gone for a while and my brother also, but my memory is bad. They are getting real jobs and are starting to be real adults. And that's what scares me, what about me, what if they leave, my father always use to say that if one of them leaves it would be a big help, well not in a bad way, sorta, but like less of an energy bill, water bill, blah. I just don't want them to leave and forget me. Okay this is really hard to right. I mean yeah, peer pressure has gotten to me, I want an iPhone... Hey maybe if they start to forget about me and feel the need to make it up to me they'll buy me a new phone, I have a rumor touch, sure I love it, I just want to be a brat. I can only be sad and in a daze for so long before I try to start actually trying to be happy again. 
Some one send me the book Pride and Prejudice, i want to read it. 
I really feel like should talk about something else, umm.. I start a new semester in two days
I know mt grades for the first one

Geometry - B

Psychology - B

Anatomy/Physiology - B 

Drama 1 - A

U.S. History - C

English - A

I fucking hate C's and anything lower then them, it was a stupid 79.2% 1 percent AWAY, or like 0.8%.

this gif represents me, right now.

I got a new notebook... yay!

and I really need to save money and buy big bang merchandise , or YG merch in general, because I want to really support them. I can't drink a lot of coffee, but I had some last night, and I just bought an ice coffee, so i'm going to go make sure that my stomach doesn't get "messed up" again.

Guys, this blog gets so many views a day, its crazy. I got about 200 views alone just last month. Its about 8 a.m. right now and I have no idea why I'm awake, but I can't stopping thinking about what I did last night. I was texting a friend of mine that I'm not that close to, but I was mostly talking about this guy I met about three weeks ago. I forgot about the other guy I usually obsess over. I think I should give them names, so the new guy I met will be Mister, and the other guy I think I'm over will be Sir.
So I was talking about Mister like I've been in love with him for years, but I just enjoyed talking about and with Sir it was like "Who's that?"
Well enough about them, it's hard being cute... That's like a whole other story.
But anyways I babysat last night, these two adorable baby girls, they were only about six months apart, I forgot their ages, but the oldest's 1st birthday was about 2 months ago. They loved me and in the summer I will permanently babysit them ^.^
Also lately I've been very nauseous so I usually eat one meal a day and because of school, that one meal is lunch, only because I know I will not over eat.
Guys and Girls I need to sleep, I got home last night around midnight, and I don't remember when actually knocked out.

shit, I said something wrong today, I should have kept my mouth shut... But you give me coffee and about a two hour long drive I will say stuff that isn't meant to be said, why~ I need a boyfriend guys, or like a close friend who doesn't really know me, but can just listen to all my problems, like this website, but its different. 

sorry, my name is Mercedez and I wish I was Lizzie Bennet.

Have any of you guys dealt with depression or knowing someone with depression? It's an odd feeling, I sorta want to talk about it, but I noticed my post are very vague I will try to stop doing that. I have a tea thing I have to do today, and I paid my phone and I text-ed about three people, no on replied  maybe I should text a friend of mine that is a girl and ask if she want to go to this tea with me. Its for my disc golf thing, but there's this guy there and his name is Giovanny, and I've come to hate him, mostly because his name ends in a 'y'. And he is my partner for this season, and I want to cry, I really need to go put a shirt on, bye.

why why why why why,

I need to leave.

THE LIZZIE BENNET VIDEO DAIRIES

I MET BING LEE

TOO CUTE

GO WATCH THEM ON YOUTUBE NOW!!!!

Right after snack, or a break we have before my school's 4th period, this kid I know was waiting for me, so I was going to walk him to class because I can be late to my 4th period, but he turns around and said "I can be late, also." Then walks me to class (¬‿¬) I know I said some other stuff and ugh. Okay so this runs in my family (with the girls only) we become nurses, RN's to be exact, and we date/marry younger guys. I've always liked guys older than me and have want to be something way different. So this 'kid' is only about a few months younger than me, but he is the sweetest, I've been just texting him and wow, I want to hug him like every three seconds. I know I have been obessening over that other guy but I think change is good. 

It’s been a while since we've met
Your face looks good

You got prettier, you were always beautiful in my eyes

You look especially a bit cold

Your eyes that look at me are filled with pity

In front of you, I seem smaller

Though I had so much I wanted to ask you

Your long hair flowing

You turn away and left right away

But today you look a bit different

I tried to be fine, trying to change the subject

You cut me off right away

As it hit my cheek and passed away

If I try to catch you here, would that be too ridiculous?

-Monster by Big Bang (Korean Version)

I only put that in there because I can.

I'll talk more about those two people, in dept hopefully later on.

I never wanted to be in the same room as her, yet as see her from far away. I expected the first time I saw her near him, while I was with him, was to cry. I felt like that, I just wanted to leave. But I met her, I wanted to punch her and asked him a million questions about how life is with her around. Obviously with how things are, we haven't talk about it. I caught her smiling at him and he did the same exact thing back, I wanted to cry. Sure just saying you two are friends around me might seem better, but I know exactly what is going on and its killing me. I can't function right anymore. That feeling I got when I saw you two together is killing me. He doesn't care about me, why can't I get that through my head. I constantly forget that and think that he might soften up to me, but its just because we are friends, maybe not the closest, but we're friends. I just want him to care about me, like how he does with her. He might just be a guy, but I haven't cared for anyone in such a long time like how I do with you. 

Sorry guys, but I just really wish I could tell him this, and maybe more. But I know that she will always have first place in his heart and it kills me a bit, because she doesn't care about him like that and I just have to stand there and be the supporting friend.

So i was listening to "That XX" by G-Dragon, and "Ugly" by 2NE1 and I just started crying badly.

Sorry, but I just started to laugh at the fact, no one in my house noticed. I'm in my room, with the door open, the light on and my body faced toward the open door. and i ain't even trying to hide anything.

I'm trying, I really am, but it's hard when you don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want this blog to be mostly depressing events about my life. I wanted there to happy moments I can spend with you guys, but as I get older it;s getting harder. I've always been the 'baby' sure that's no excuse, but getting things handed to you your whole life, then they're making you just become a grown up, no its hard. Yes you had to go through it and you want us to go through it, but can't you just help, be the bigger person and help us with the things you had to go through. Not just letting us suffer because you had to.  If you met me you'd think I was fun, happy all the time, and shy. I just am a normal teenager with problems people don't understand.
Okay, well I have a friend who's name I can't write or spell, but he's a cool kid and just to act okay around him I ate so much shit today, you don't even understand. I thought he was dating this one girl, so I decided to have some fun, but their just really close and I guess I'm ruining their 'closeness', but let's be serious, if they were that close, nothing would be able to go in-between them.

Travis, Mark, and Tom <3

so I'm doing that thing again when I touch my bangs a lot in anger. And I lost control of some of my emotions and I had to calm myself down. So I did my nails, it didn't help at all. So I got the person most special to him and drew all over her face. I started to cry a lot. It isn't my fault, I'm an unstable person and people don't really know that. I can't like someone, because I need to be reassured a lot, but don't want a clingy,I need to talk to you every two minutes relationship. Worse thing is I don't even know this girl and she's been in my dreams with him. I accidentally thought of him when asked for a random name...
Oh yeah and I got a new partner for Disc Golf, its awkward cuz he as the same name as my friend. And i actually have to pretend like i like this partner, my last ones were all stupid, and didn't even know what to do.

So I saw this thing on tumblr and I can't find the link thing, but this is what it says:

"Have you ever read something that killed you inside? Like a text message or someone's status. Everything was going find until you accidentally came across something you didn't want to read. Or found out something you were better off not knowing. It's almost as if it was posted just to purposely hurt you. But you constantly read it over and over again to torture yourself. It sucks how one little thing can ruin your whole day."

I have to credit this. But yeah, I feel bad, remember, he doesn't care about me. So why should I?

I'm being serious, though. I have to redo my lipstick every like 20 minutes wtf. And I didn't even want to put make-up on UGH. >.<!!! and these cups are white.

I'm fucking happy i don't have to wear make-up everyday.

I just made myself feel worse... But it's hard to ignore someone right away, that you actually care for, but I can do this! All i need is time and a very good lie. UGH, I made a NEW twitter, have I talked about it, well here -> Lady Ji. as to why i made another one, I just need to yell sometimes and this blog doesn't work on my phone so, i use that one sometimes.

*Reminds self* he doesn't care!

I'm listening to Epik High, and have you seen my Panda's new show? He's so adorable.

UUGH those bitches! He's MY friend, I've never been like this, but gosh if she talks to me once, I will cut a hoe, and the other one. I just need her help until 3rd quarter then I'm done with her and she can find new friends. I know in the end I might be the bad person, BUT how hard is it to say, "I need your help." I want to yell and get new friends. Today I was in a bad mood, but then again when am I in a good one?

So my weekend so far, it was pretty normal so a shut-in like me, haha. It’s been a while since I stayed all day at church, some of the girls even invited me to the movies, but I was like, I want to see Mama with my brother, and yes, I’ll have to pay, but thankfully I have gift-card.

Okay so I don’t usually have money to spend for fun, I guess you can say. My money usually saved, or spent right away for things I need, I went to the bank to get quarter so I could do laundry and I had $40, which only about $5 I could spend on like junk food. So I took a twenty and bought myself some chips and my mom a soda, b/c she was the only one home, I was wearing sorta new clothes, and put my $18(I know my exact money) in my pocket and walked home, went straight to doing putting a load of clothes down stairs so I could do laundry, then changed, started cleaning my room, b/c this place was soo messy I couldn’t find a pencil if I dropped it. Then fixed my project and noticed I didn’t put my money away, and I found out I lost 18 buck, which ten was for a haircut. And my hair is dead, so I have to wait another week to get a haircut.

Oh I’m looking for a job, and I have to start learning how to drive. I’m going to have to learn how to drive because in my house when you graduate high school, you get a used car as a gift. I know, I know I always complain how I don’t have money, but this is a gift from my grandparents. I DON’T WANT TO DRIVE!!!!! It’s scary.

Oh and about the job I think it’s unfair, when my sister and brother were in high school my dad didn’t want them to have a job, then again, they had an easier life growing up them me. But my sister was like “blah blah blah blah blah blah, mercy needs a job, blah blah blah blah” and my dad was like “yes, but weekends only” UGH not to be rude, but I’m the only person in my house that actually learning something they never did b/c it was too hard. My father was way more lenient on my other siblings; they got a C in class -> WOAH PARTY HERE’S 50000 bucks. I get a C in class (even the hardest class, & I’m telling them that I’m struggling with) -> taking away your laptop, phone, you can’t have any fun, and I’m going to yell at you for three hours.  Rude, right? Then again my dad wasn’t around that much back them and always sleeping, he’s scarier now sorta, well when he doesn’t get his “fix” I guess you can it, he is an asshole. And back then all he did was sleep, and I was always wishing he would come home when I went to school, b/c … I can’t even remember now.

OHHH let’s talk about my brother, he’s a dick.

Next, lets talks about my school life.

1^st period, Geometry.

It’s my second year in geometry, and I have an A and the whole class period I’m either on tumblr or reading. I take notes b/c their counted as a grade and the only time I do listen is when I know the class doesn’t know that he is talking about and I raise my hand to make everyone thing I’m smart. There are a lot of freshmen in this class and it’s annoying. I think the teacher knows I’m on my phone. I have only one person in that class that I talk to, so it’s pretty lame since all she wants to do is talk bad about people, ask why I’m not in a relationship with this one guy, and fashion. I can only care for so long about two of those things. Eh

You know what I really don’t want to talk about the rest. I’ll do it maybe later. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk(my love Seungri~)

I want to make another very long, no point, post.  BUT not today, sorry. 

Look at all the fucks I give, look what little fucks I give,

Look how many fucks I give, look what little fucks I give,

Look how many fucks I give, look at all the girls I fuck.

-G-Dragon

(link)

GO GO NOW AND WATCH AND LISTEN AND LOVE!

p.s. i wish Dara did my dishes

this bitch thinks she can just up and call me, no YOU BEST BE THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE, you have to text me first then call, or else my anxiety comes out and I panic.

Have I told you guys my age? I'm old enough to a job, but not drink.  Bitch.  Bubble Bubble Bubble POP! anyways I just had some tea, I guess, or special tea. Anyway yeah. Have you guys heard of the Youtuber Madilyn Bailey? Anyways, she sings good. I don't like pizza and have an obsession with chicken.  THAT XX(or Motherfucker)! So snoop dog did a song with Jinusean a long time ago and I wish I was i London, I don't want to go back to school UGH`DON"T STOP THIS FEELING, this is taking a while for me write, sorry I keep getting distracted by my dog.

LOOK AT HER! I'm going to tell you guys her name, Mary-Jane, but NOT B?C OF THE DRUG >:OOO but after spider man's girl, b/c when she was learning how to walk she would hurt herself by jumping off high places that no one knows how she got there or, by running into walls like me and I would say "I'll save you Mary-Jane" oh and that cookie is my dinner and my dad now thinks i'm on a diet, isn't cookies fattening? SHE KILL MY EGO~~~ I need some soda, I asked my sister to give buy me some and she went out with her friend to go see the new movie MAMA... 

I have to contently remind myself that I am, in fact, not special to him. I had a dream I angrily text-ed someone (LOVE DOVEY is now the current song i'm listening to) and  well I wanted to tell him something all day and then I as finally going to tell him, but he stopped texting me and i was like a sing from the heavens and I'm glad I didn't. B/c in the morning I noticed I was going to be wrong anyway and maybe he did want to text me but no I have to remember I'm not special to him. Fantastic BABY~

Oh god when GD said "look at all the girls I fucked" in the muggler thingy, GOD I wish he was a big dick instead of a big ego. and when he said "I'm going to make you scream tonight." at the GDA awards I sorta forget about the small dick and big ego and just imagine its the other way around. 

I know, I know this is from "That XX," but no lie I just opened tumblr, b/c i don't the infinite (H[only for those who like Kpop]) scroll thingy so I go to the next page and this popped up HA url: "Bigbang-imnida" follow me  

I'm doing a giveaway, BUT only for followers 

and before I leave I'm listing to K.will's please don't BESTS SONG + MV!

I don't like hot-dogs and if you ask my family what type of food I eat a lot of its chicken and rice (all types).
These two girls from different periods tried to show me up, and I'm just like BITCH I being nice and asked them if: in 2nd period the girl wanted to hang out with MY group because for this whole week we have subs and were not doing ANYTHING, and 6th period this other girl came in late and I wanted to know if she wanted to be in MY group. I UGH this is why i need to go see a doctor, so I don't slap a bitch. I don't want to go into it, but I think I should stop being nice.
So after school use to be cool, but this guy I hang out with now is getting to close to me, and was asking me all these personal, uncomfortable questions... and I wanted to go say hi to cousin, like I usually do, and he was like "WHY?! who is he?!" and I was like WTF? so I left until my ROP class started, sorry for the stupidness, but I only have 10 mins to write this thing
BYE

have you guys seen Teen Top's 향수뿌리지마 or No more perfume on you ... I don't know the English translation of it, I think that's what it is. Anyways my conclusion is if he has an iPhone and text around you he's cheating. Any if you're going to cheat like that, give the girls both the same type of perfume. Haha just kidding, but I wouldn't be able to tell my boyfriend is cheating on my like that ... well its weird, I can't really well nice perfume or even body spray sometimes, because my nose is sensitive. 

I guess this is enough for today or this week, Oh and I don't like SNSD's new song, it be lame.

I know most of you are judging me, but don't put like 8 songs into one, and aegyo plus rap? no.

Some girl in my 2nd period was singing me a love song in Korean and I didn't have the heart to tell her she was saying "사랑해" or I love you, wrong. And the a girl in my 4th period tried out for SM. WHY? well at least she won't be close to my Seungri-oppa. He is mine. I don't mean to be writing a   little, but I've had to much on my mind and I just want to clear my head.

I haven't been adding gifs, and this scared me the fist time I saw it.