I thought I was doing better, well emotionally, but I guess I'm back to square one, ha. It gets so hard sometimes, why can't I just be a normal person, I mean I usually hate being alone, but lately I've loved it, what if I push my friend so far from me that I'll have none in the end. I don't want it to sound like I'm using him, its just, how do I say this, I tend to push people away when I feel we're getting to close, and I already started to say and do things that I hoped pushed him away, and now I don't know what to do. I feel so all alone. I can't actually tell anyone my true feeling about anything right now. I have always been afraid of rejection and getting to close to some, that's a reason why I don't call anyone my best friend, b/c I feel I don't deserve to be loved like that. And I'll usually make sure that they have someone, so when we start drifting apart it won't seem like a big deal, because so far so most of my so called "Best Friends" me and them drifting apart seemed like a normal thing and it was meant to happen. I just want someone to see that I'm doing this.
I'm a crazy person with a fucked up past, and I believe I don't deserved to loved by friends, family, or even have a lover. I just wished that, I knew what I wanted to be happy, and that I could talk to my parents about getting help.

bye.