you know that feeling you get when you're with someone and you don't know whether it's good or bad, I'll give you an example:
we me and this person are alone, it's all laughs and games, and we occasionally get closer then friends should, but when people are around, that person just makes a complete 180 and becomes the biggest douche I've ever met. I honestly hate it. Why can't I be a normal person who doesn't care about things like this. And again I know I don't deserve love, but I really want a boyfriend for some reason, but believe relationships in school are stupid. 

teach me how to dougie, and I hate asking people to clean my glass for me. I had to do it like 3 times today, it was annoying.

The whole:
"Babe, what are you doing?"
I actually miss it, I haven't talked to this douche of a jerk in a while, but he always seems to come in handy when I'm lonely...

I can image having a boyfriend in the future (although I don't deserve to be loved) and because I love reading, him coming into the room one night while I was reading, seeing me cry, and just hugging me while he gets me tea, because although I'd be lost for a second it's because I truly cared about the character. And he won't find it weird and he'd ask me about it and I'd be able to tell him about it with out feeling weird. 

"We won't even know each other in five years."

"The worst thing that can happen is he says no."

"I don't deserve to be loved."

Someone: why are you on Jack Antonoff's Instagram?

Me: WAT?@ *closes tab* water you talking about...

I really don't know what to say, but my laptop is working over drive and I don't like going out, especially when the cutest guy here is outside. I need to find questions so you guys can have a better understanding of me 

*looks for some*

• 1: What are you wearing? my church shirt and brown shorts
• 2: Ever been in love? I don't think so 
• 3: Ever had a terrible breakup? yes, i  was crying the whole day, and my friends wanted to beat the guy up
• 4: How tall are you? 5 feet
• 5: How much do you weigh? NO I WON"T SAY but its more then 100 and less then 140
• 6: Any tattoos do you want? no, i think they would look stupid on me
• 7: Any piercings that you want? my tongue
• 8: OTP? GRI = Seungri + G-Dragon
• 9: Favorite Show? TOO MANY D; Sherlock, The New Normal, Walking Dead, Chowder, umm... The IT Crowd, ummm.. a lot more
• 10: Favorite bands? BIGBANG!!(I don't think they're considered a band) Blink-182, Hellogoodbye, other rock bands
• 11: Something you miss? my old best friend in 8th grade, he helped me a lot
• 12: Favorite song? right now? it changes like every 3 days, I like Be Calm by Fun.
• 13: How old are you? ummm..... old enough to get a job, but not old enough to drink, or watch a porno
• 14: Zodiac sign? Libra, bitches~
• 15: Hair Color? Black, but naturally and people always ask if I dyed it. but people tell me black natural hair doesn't exist
• 16: Favorite Quote? I have a lot, but my favorite right now is "I’M GLAD IT’S A GIRL. AND I HOPE SHE’LL BE A FOOL—-THAT’S THE BEST THING A GIRL CAN BE IN THIS WORLD, A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE FOOL"
• 17: Favorite singer? oh my god, umm... Craig Owens
• 18: Favorite color? Purple
• 19: Loud music or soft? low, it makes me feel less sad
• 20: Where do you go when you're sad? my room, i have no were else to go
• 21: How long does it take you to shower? a long time, thankfully I live in an ampartment
• 22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? like 30 or 20 mins
• 23: Ever been in a physical fight? no i'd lose
• 24: Turn on? stuff
• 25: Turn off? smoking
• 26: The reason I joined Tumblr? (so i took these from tumblr) b/c my friend said to get it so we could keep in touch
• 27: Fears? being alone. and spiders
• 28: Last thing that made you cry? I got overloaded on emotions and couldn't keep them in, i was alone in my room
• 29: Last time you cried? it was about two weeks ago
• 30: Meaning behind your url. (which is bigbang-imnida) it mean " My name is bigbang" and I don't know, I just liked it
• 31: Last book you read? the pact by jodi picoult
• 32: Last song you listened to? Out of the Town [*]  by Fun.
• 33: Last show you watched? Better off Ted
• 34: Last person you talked to? Ruth
• 35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Well me and him are friends, close friends, not best friends, just friends
• 36: Favorite food? I like Chinese food the most
• 37: Place you want to visit? I would love to visit Mexico or El Salvador 
• 38: Last place you were? My friends house, we were eating taco bell
• 39: Do you have a crush? sotra, kinda, I don't even know my old feelings
• 40: Last time you kissed someone? umm.. that old bestfriend I was talking about, we were talking last year and that was our way to say goodbye
• 41: Last time you were insulted and what was it? earlier today b/c i look nice going out side and doing laundry 
• 42: What color underwear are you wearing? teal
• 43: What color shirt are you wearing? yellow
• 44: What color bottoms are you wearing? brown
• 45: Wearing any bracelets? nope
• 46: Last sport you played? disc golf, look it up
• 47: Last song you sang? It gets better by Fun.
• 48: Last prank call you remember doing? ugh, I hate prank call getting them and doing them
• 49: Last time you hung out with anyone? my friend at her house, no one was home and she had 3 boxes of pizza, but we wanted taco bell and I had money
• 50: Favorite movie? OMG Coyote Ugly, Mean girls, Scott Pilgrim, ugh, bring it on. I have like a lot 

i mean if you guy want to ask me anything, go here and you can be anonmous and don't have to have a tumblr to ask

So there's this who I text every and yesterday we were talking and he was like "You're better than that." and I don't know what came over me, but I replied with "Actually, I'm not." and he hasn't text-ed me back. I don't care that much, he really pissed me off. I really need to do laundry, but someone is already doing it (did i mention I live in an apartment?). So I have to wait a VERY long time, UGH. I need clothes for tomorrow. I, for some reason, am really excited for school on Monday. I don't even want to go back, but when I think about it, I get all happy -.-

The Websites I Visit the Most according to My Laptop

which I think is a lie

I totally don't use the last two a lot.

dad: why are you crying into that pillow?

me: *muffled* BECAUSE I CAN'T BE CUTE

Image this, you being the other girl. You love this fool and decided it’s no harm, because at first you guys were having so much fun. Maybe at first he didn't even tell you he had a girlfriend and you thought maybe you had a chance, and when you find out you didn't  there was still this little bit of hope. And you find out he likes you too, but he can’t break up with his girlfriend (for some stupid reason, but you still believe it), and it’s all a thrill to you, so you go along with it. You go to his house, and eventually become great friends with his girlfriend and she tells you with all this confidence that she thinks he’s cheating, so you talked to him and told him that whatever happened between you guys needs to stop, but you “love” him, so in a second you go back to him. And everything is a cycle he sees you, only when he wants to and surprise visits and going out to places are limited because everyone knows he has a girlfriend.

 I just wanted to say, it couldn't have hurt that much when we stopped talking right? They day I told him I was more than his little toy and he can play with anytime he wanted. I didn't make him choose, because I knew he loved her, and now he’s married to her. It’s just for some reason he’s been asking my friend about me and know I can’t stop think about him, and how we should have gotten some closure.

I thought I was doing better, well emotionally, but I guess I'm back to square one, ha. It gets so hard sometimes, why can't I just be a normal person, I mean I usually hate being alone, but lately I've loved it, what if I push my friend so far from me that I'll have none in the end. I don't want it to sound like I'm using him, its just, how do I say this, I tend to push people away when I feel we're getting to close, and I already started to say and do things that I hoped pushed him away, and now I don't know what to do. I feel so all alone. I can't actually tell anyone my true feeling about anything right now. I have always been afraid of rejection and getting to close to some, that's a reason why I don't call anyone my best friend, b/c I feel I don't deserve to be loved like that. And I'll usually make sure that they have someone, so when we start drifting apart it won't seem like a big deal, because so far so most of my so called "Best Friends" me and them drifting apart seemed like a normal thing and it was meant to happen. I just want someone to see that I'm doing this.
I'm a crazy person with a fucked up past, and I believe I don't deserved to loved by friends, family, or even have a lover. I just wished that, I knew what I wanted to be happy, and that I could talk to my parents about getting help.

bye.

So i haven't been able to say lately that I was truly happy, but this morning was, and I wanted to text someone, but I didn't because I didn't want to bother anyone and them I felt sad, again. My last post was my 100th and I didn't know what to write. I saw someone with someone else and I felt all funny inside, I haven't felt like this is a while. NINJA STATUS~

any ways I'll tell you about my first (actually second) date ever, the guy was older than me, by like 4 years and we became every close. On night after a party he asked if I could hang out, and I said yes and blowing off and my plans with my friend. We went to go eat tacos, well just him b/c i ate the party and he thought that I was just not eating b/c i was nervous, which was like half of the reason. So i ate one talk, from this fish taco place, and it was cute because there was this little girl who kept saying hi to us and i thought he was going to get annoyed, but he kept just saying hi back every time. After that we went to a park nearby, it was quiet and we were both "nervous." He finally calmed down and then almost fell and then he said he got all nervous again, and kept making me feel his heart beat, and asked if my was going just as fast. I remember that he wanted me to get some safe, and I just wanted to stay longer, but he was a "gentleman." I mean there's more detail to the story, but I don't want to remember much about him now, because at that point he was just as innocent as me, but with a girlfriend, that i didn't know about.

OMG IT'S MY 100TH POST!

and this girl who hates me called me skinny.

omg!

So this is sorta what is happening to me, but like I’ll tell it in a story type and the names of people will be in Korean.

So Mi-Kyung and Hyun Shik are close friends, not really though at the same time. They’ve known each other for a while, but not enough for them to be anything more than friends. They were introduced through a mutual friend named Eun-Bi, who is close to the both of them, but closer to Mi- Kyung, even though she knew Hyun Shik longer.

One day Mi-Kyung went to her extra classes after school and met a guy named Jae-Joong, whom she found out Hyun Shik hated. That didn’t bother Mi-Kyung though, she really though he was sweet, even though he was younger and seemed more mature then her.

A few weeks later, even student in school couldn’t wait for the upcoming break, especially Mi-Kyung; she was so over school, right now. But one day during theater she learned some weird news that really didn’t make sense at first, but a girl named Na-Hyun apparently hated her. She didn’t let it get to her; a lot of girls in this school loved drama and hated Mi-Kyung, so she let it go. The only thing that was different was she has never heard of this girls before, so why would she hate her so much. A few days later she noticed a few of her friends talking about this girl, Na-Hyun, who hated her and asking if she knew anything about it. Mi-Kyung tried not to let any off this mess with her head; she just had to remember about that break coming up and everything would be good. Until one day when her good friend Ji-Hye told her startling news.

“Hey, Ji-Hye” said Mi-Kyung with excitement.

“Oh, hey, umm… Do you know a girl named Na-Hyun?” Ji-Hye said in a hushed voiced that seemed in a hurry.

“No, I’ve never met her.” Replied Mi-Kyung, wondering where this was going.

“Well lately she’s been asking me about you. She found out we use to be close and wanted to know about you and Hyun Shik. We all know that she hates you.” Saying “you” in a song like voice as she walked away.

After that day Ji-Hye told Mi-Kyung how Na-Hyun found out many things about her and was still trying to know more things about her. She was a bit shocked and scared for that fact. Mi-Kyung hated it, she wished she never knew this, she wanted to be naïve and tried not to pay attention to it, but it soon came to consume her. How could someone do all that, and hate a person that she didn’t even really know, was what Mi-Kyung couldn’t stop thinking about. But what hurt Mi-Kyung the most was apparently Hyun Shik knew all about this, and was close friends with Na-Hyun. It didn’t bother her that much that they were friends, but that he knew what Na-Hyun did, but Mi-Kyung could only remember that her and Hyung Shik weren’t that close, so why is bothered by this so much. She started to believe that she couldn’t trust him; she didn’t know what to do. Mi-Kyung wanted to cry, yell, show any emotion and she felt she could only go to Jae-Joong. He was sweet and took everything Mi-Kyung had to say.

After Mi-Kyung’s little realization, she couldn’t wait for that break any longer, but she felt she had to pretend everything was okay with Hyun Shik, but a day before break it was a holiday for lovers and she couldn’t be any sadder. She wasn’t able to suppress these feelings anymore and was about to crack. She slowly didn’t want to be friends with Hyun Shik anymore and thought that it would be better if they didn’t even talk to each other anymore. Why didn’t he just leave her already and go with Na-Hyun, from the sound of it doesn’t he like her more.

it's pretty short, but its true, and I don't even want to go to school that much anymore, what one girl can do to make me feel even more uncomfortable. Can I just leave that school, I don't even want to see her.  

So I went to camp, but before that I learned some bad news. Guess what my closest friend hates me, or sorta dislikes me. I only have two minutes before I have to get off.
i wasted them not writing, sorry .

I'm too old for this shit. I jut need to grow a pair and tell him, "Hey, I do this a lot and I think I should ruin the friendship we have by slowly ignoring you and talking shit and pretending I'm a bad person. Just so I don't have to tell you my real feeling and being scared that we might get too close." I just need someone to talk to.

omg guys I love people with deep voices, god, where it's like very time they talk it's like sex. I don't really like people who have a higher pitched voice. That's why I love TOP(from bigbang) and PO (from block b)
Well I guess I should tell you guy, that girl who I wanted to ruin her life, she has to be on hold, someone head we talking about it with someone and now I just have to pretend that nothing happened.

so just from last night to went from 666 to 677 xD
anyways i fixed my phone and now my father has it...
he asked to borrow it, why am I tying like this
i don't know it seems annoying, ans nick minaj
is playing, ugh

okay they suck, but this is a big thing since my "bad" doing from last year

it made laugh 

I'm sorry about the last post, I want to delete it, I know, she knows what she is doing. I just can't do the easy thing and talk to him about it, with in minutes of me doing so I'm going to be so ashamed I will probably never speak to him again. 
I started to eat just one meal a day, because I noticed how big I am. I want to make it 0 meals a day.

I'm sorry

I look like that bitch, ugh I never met her until a few day ago, but now I understand what people mean, did I mention I look like her? ugh I just got better, emotionally and now this ugh. I know I shouldn't do this, but you read this blog and you know I'm a cold hearted bitch that will do anything to get what I want, and I want her out of his life, and anyone who makes her happy, example: her boyfriend. I have feel no guilt, so if this doesn't end up the way I planned I can always pretend that I have no idea what is going on. Its happened before, and oh look I'm calling my old friend in band...
Guess who has plans next weekend. I know her boyfriend, he will get any girl he can get. And I know that maybe this is going to far for a guy, but it isn't even about that anymore, I did something like this last weekend and I had to turn down a guy, but know he is all on my sack. I know that this is bad, I know I will regret it later, because this will most likely not even get me a step closer to who I really want, but  I  try to ruin her, and make sure her life is more horrible than mine, but I'll stop only if in the end he sides with her.

I think that if I had to choose between love and money I'd pick money.

I want Darcy to be mine. 

And I'm sorry I might not be able update today.

So my stomach was hurting, because of the coffee, and I started to cry because of my brother and sister, so I ate donuts and threw up. 
Anyways, I'm a teenager and their adults sorta, they're in their early twenties, very young, but they're growing up, and it's scaring me. We are a close knit family, we've almost always been together, except for when I lived apart from my sibling growing up sorta, then my sister was gone for a while and my brother also, but my memory is bad. They are getting real jobs and are starting to be real adults. And that's what scares me, what about me, what if they leave, my father always use to say that if one of them leaves it would be a big help, well not in a bad way, sorta, but like less of an energy bill, water bill, blah. I just don't want them to leave and forget me. Okay this is really hard to right. I mean yeah, peer pressure has gotten to me, I want an iPhone... Hey maybe if they start to forget about me and feel the need to make it up to me they'll buy me a new phone, I have a rumor touch, sure I love it, I just want to be a brat. I can only be sad and in a daze for so long before I try to start actually trying to be happy again. 
Some one send me the book Pride and Prejudice, i want to read it. 
I really feel like should talk about something else, umm.. I start a new semester in two days
I know mt grades for the first one

Geometry - B

Psychology - B

Anatomy/Physiology - B 

Drama 1 - A

U.S. History - C

English - A

I fucking hate C's and anything lower then them, it was a stupid 79.2% 1 percent AWAY, or like 0.8%.

this gif represents me, right now.

I got a new notebook... yay!

and I really need to save money and buy big bang merchandise , or YG merch in general, because I want to really support them. I can't drink a lot of coffee, but I had some last night, and I just bought an ice coffee, so i'm going to go make sure that my stomach doesn't get "messed up" again.

Guys, this blog gets so many views a day, its crazy. I got about 200 views alone just last month. Its about 8 a.m. right now and I have no idea why I'm awake, but I can't stopping thinking about what I did last night. I was texting a friend of mine that I'm not that close to, but I was mostly talking about this guy I met about three weeks ago. I forgot about the other guy I usually obsess over. I think I should give them names, so the new guy I met will be Mister, and the other guy I think I'm over will be Sir.
So I was talking about Mister like I've been in love with him for years, but I just enjoyed talking about and with Sir it was like "Who's that?"
Well enough about them, it's hard being cute... That's like a whole other story.
But anyways I babysat last night, these two adorable baby girls, they were only about six months apart, I forgot their ages, but the oldest's 1st birthday was about 2 months ago. They loved me and in the summer I will permanently babysit them ^.^
Also lately I've been very nauseous so I usually eat one meal a day and because of school, that one meal is lunch, only because I know I will not over eat.
Guys and Girls I need to sleep, I got home last night around midnight, and I don't remember when actually knocked out.

shit, I said something wrong today, I should have kept my mouth shut... But you give me coffee and about a two hour long drive I will say stuff that isn't meant to be said, why~ I need a boyfriend guys, or like a close friend who doesn't really know me, but can just listen to all my problems, like this website, but its different. 

sorry, my name is Mercedez and I wish I was Lizzie Bennet.

Have any of you guys dealt with depression or knowing someone with depression? It's an odd feeling, I sorta want to talk about it, but I noticed my post are very vague I will try to stop doing that. I have a tea thing I have to do today, and I paid my phone and I text-ed about three people, no on replied  maybe I should text a friend of mine that is a girl and ask if she want to go to this tea with me. Its for my disc golf thing, but there's this guy there and his name is Giovanny, and I've come to hate him, mostly because his name ends in a 'y'. And he is my partner for this season, and I want to cry, I really need to go put a shirt on, bye.

why why why why why,

I need to leave.