i just wanted to say i miss these moves. They never do them anymore, I wonder why...

i did 'it' again. 

maybe i'll tell you what 'it' means, but right now i just want to soak it in. because i didn't mean, or want, to do this again.

I don't understand what scares me so much. Why is it when he's mad I panic and fear him? Has he done anything before to traumatize me this much? I haven't told a lot of people, but before the 3rd grade I can't remember my life, maybe something here and there, but there all pointless. Like my brother walking me to school, because neither of my parents could, they couldn't take me because they were fighting. It wasn't hard growing up, until my dad lost his job, I guess you can say I didn't know him that much when he worked. When he was home, he was always sleeping, and the times when he was awake at home, I was already knocked out. I can take his yelling, and threats a little better I think because I wasn't that close to him, I never really knew the happy side of my dad. (its funny b/c I'm trying to write this w/out crying b/c my sisters in the room) His way of a real punishment is to spank a child in the butt with a belt. I'm the only child that hasn't been spanked with a belt, but when I was younger, its a very vague memory, my mom use to get sick a lot and leave the house with out me noticing, after a while I use to panic thinking it was my fault she was leaving. I would cry a lot when she was gone. And one night I lost it and just continued to cry, my father spanked me with his hand, and told me to stop crying, its pointless, no one hurt me physically, so here's a reason to cry. I realized later on that psychical and mental pain are alike, just that right now, I'd rather take physical pain, like my dad it.

I just want to say, why do I fear him, is it because of the spank, I highly doubt he'll do it again? I sometimes fear him even when he's happy. Maybe I just can't another why-you-have-to-do-better-then-everyone-else-in-this-family speech.

i know i shouldn't do this, but i starting thinking about 'that' again, and i'm getting bad. this is the only reason why i can't maintain a good relationship, any type. i'm scared, i just want it to be winter break, what if i crack before, though?
i just wish i'm able to hide it, but longer this time, no one has time to worry over me. 

I Try, but it's Love

How much you feed of peoples approval, is sickening. I wish you knew how perfect you are, just being yourself. I want you to see that, the real you is when you’re alone with me. The ‘you’ I fell in love with. But those feeling are fading. The other you, the fake one, is now taking over, becoming the ‘real’ you. You act different even around me. I thought could make you feel comfortable and safe. It hurts. I want these feelings of mine to stop, but my heart won’t listen. And I think this is the way it will stay. So if the only way I can stay with you is like this, then I will put up with it. Because people change, and you’re a great example.

I Try to, but I just want it to stop.

All good things come to an end.
We are just friends, its just platonic relationship, or so I thought. But things have become hard, awkward. We've obtain these feels toward each other. Like when we see each other with the opposite, jealously comes to the mind. We have to walk on egg shell around each other, its hard to maintain. If I want to talk about how much I fancy other person, I can no longer tell you my feelings. We get asked a lot of times if we're dating each other, an item. I'm tired of this, whatever we have. I want to tell you my true feelings. How I truly feel about you. Maybe you'll be the only one to understand this post, but I like you. It's not a small crush, but it's eating me alive, trying to keep this away from you. I don't know how long I can keep this from you. But I will, as long as I can stay with you, like this, our little platonic relationship.

I Try, but we about to get mad ratchet in here.

please don't mine my title, but i'm pissed, angry, frustrated sexually. So, my partner for my drama class is just no. We're working on a comedy skit and I'm pretty serious about this, but she wants to do the whole thing with just her idea. No. But i let her thinking 'okay the last skits she did were okay,' but this girl does not know comedy, she knows exaggeration. TOO MUCH OF IT. So I asked her to explain some of her ideas for me like in the actions it just says 'Jump' WTF does that mean? so I not even talk in and just jump, I know that is the attitude side of me, but she expected to know everything she means in her 3rd grade drawing and chick scratch writing. And she apparently got made of me asking two questions and told me just to make up the whole idea by myself. OH did i forget she doesn't even look me in the eyes when I'm talking to her she looks away!! and talks like a mouse >.< I talk loud in the class because its drama people are getting into character and no one is listening to anyone, she looks me in the eyes and shushes me NO NO NO. I started to talk louder.Then she tells me she's not ready to go on stage, but I made her go on stage b/c we only have 1 day to learn this skit. And she shushes me again, and rubs her head, then said "Loud people annoy me." 

Then a new kid came inside and I wished that I waited, b/c no one wants to be my partner, b/c no one knows me -.-

I want to preform first, only for the fact I won't have to see this person anymore, but she won't even rehears with me on stage b/c there is too many people. I don't know who the hell she things she is, but she needs to get things straight, she ain't no queen.

If anything I'M the queen.

(sorry for grammar or spelling, I'm to angry to look over any of that stuff)