It's January 8th, 2024. I didn't get a car for my 18th bday, so I still don't know how to drive. I have not finished college. I need a new job. I'm happier than I was at 15, but way too stressed for my age now. Not many of my interest have changed except that I love Thai BL now (omg im sorry). I love my sibling and sometimes my parents are chill.

Telling myself I won't eat. And that it's okay. I have drinks to get me through the day.

The crying myself to sleep "starts" again. Oh god how much I wish I was okay, or at least good at pretending I am.

The nightmares are back and they're worse. I got no sleep last night. And my emotions are all messed up. And I can't eat.

Why can't we be normal.
I just want to tell him the truth then maybe he would know the fear i live in.

hey can you guess whse life must be fucked up again? and i'm sorry i havent been on in a while and the fist time i am in a while its from my phone and it wont even let my use right puncuation. my life is a mess right now. i got a journal and everything but it doesnt help. i need to know someone is reading this and knows im mentally hurting. i feel like writing again, whitch is never a good thing.

So I'm obsessed with Supernatural

and watched like a clip from the show Daria and her voice is JUST how I imaged it

and at my age I REALLY don't want a boyfriend, just saying.

They are a distraction!

over 800 views

YAY!

So something bothered me today, one of my closes friend gets called this name a lot, and I personally asked a LOT of people to stop calling him that, why did I do that, ugh I don't know. But it's very bothersome to me, and today I just lost it again, sorta b/c a person from one of my classes said "He couldn't be your boyfriend, isn't he gay?" I looked at him with a disgusted face and said things I might regret later. ugh a lot of people at school already hate me.

ONE MORE THING AND I'LL HAVE 800 VEIWS

I'm sorry I feel like I only use this to vent my anger and sadness, but there's not much to say about the happy times, I guess.

 It hurts seeing them together, or even hearing about them

you know that feeling you get when you're with someone and you don't know whether it's good or bad, I'll give you an example:
we me and this person are alone, it's all laughs and games, and we occasionally get closer then friends should, but when people are around, that person just makes a complete 180 and becomes the biggest douche I've ever met. I honestly hate it. Why can't I be a normal person who doesn't care about things like this. And again I know I don't deserve love, but I really want a boyfriend for some reason, but believe relationships in school are stupid. 

teach me how to dougie, and I hate asking people to clean my glass for me. I had to do it like 3 times today, it was annoying.

The whole:
"Babe, what are you doing?"
I actually miss it, I haven't talked to this douche of a jerk in a while, but he always seems to come in handy when I'm lonely...

I can image having a boyfriend in the future (although I don't deserve to be loved) and because I love reading, him coming into the room one night while I was reading, seeing me cry, and just hugging me while he gets me tea, because although I'd be lost for a second it's because I truly cared about the character. And he won't find it weird and he'd ask me about it and I'd be able to tell him about it with out feeling weird. 

"We won't even know each other in five years."

"The worst thing that can happen is he says no."

"I don't deserve to be loved."

Someone: why are you on Jack Antonoff's Instagram?

Me: WAT?@ *closes tab* water you talking about...

I really don't know what to say, but my laptop is working over drive and I don't like going out, especially when the cutest guy here is outside. I need to find questions so you guys can have a better understanding of me 

*looks for some*

• 1: What are you wearing? my church shirt and brown shorts
• 2: Ever been in love? I don't think so 
• 3: Ever had a terrible breakup? yes, i  was crying the whole day, and my friends wanted to beat the guy up
• 4: How tall are you? 5 feet
• 5: How much do you weigh? NO I WON"T SAY but its more then 100 and less then 140
• 6: Any tattoos do you want? no, i think they would look stupid on me
• 7: Any piercings that you want? my tongue
• 8: OTP? GRI = Seungri + G-Dragon
• 9: Favorite Show? TOO MANY D; Sherlock, The New Normal, Walking Dead, Chowder, umm... The IT Crowd, ummm.. a lot more
• 10: Favorite bands? BIGBANG!!(I don't think they're considered a band) Blink-182, Hellogoodbye, other rock bands
• 11: Something you miss? my old best friend in 8th grade, he helped me a lot
• 12: Favorite song? right now? it changes like every 3 days, I like Be Calm by Fun.
• 13: How old are you? ummm..... old enough to get a job, but not old enough to drink, or watch a porno
• 14: Zodiac sign? Libra, bitches~
• 15: Hair Color? Black, but naturally and people always ask if I dyed it. but people tell me black natural hair doesn't exist
• 16: Favorite Quote? I have a lot, but my favorite right now is "I’M GLAD IT’S A GIRL. AND I HOPE SHE’LL BE A FOOL—-THAT’S THE BEST THING A GIRL CAN BE IN THIS WORLD, A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE FOOL"
• 17: Favorite singer? oh my god, umm... Craig Owens
• 18: Favorite color? Purple
• 19: Loud music or soft? low, it makes me feel less sad
• 20: Where do you go when you're sad? my room, i have no were else to go
• 21: How long does it take you to shower? a long time, thankfully I live in an ampartment
• 22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? like 30 or 20 mins
• 23: Ever been in a physical fight? no i'd lose
• 24: Turn on? stuff
• 25: Turn off? smoking
• 26: The reason I joined Tumblr? (so i took these from tumblr) b/c my friend said to get it so we could keep in touch
• 27: Fears? being alone. and spiders
• 28: Last thing that made you cry? I got overloaded on emotions and couldn't keep them in, i was alone in my room
• 29: Last time you cried? it was about two weeks ago
• 30: Meaning behind your url. (which is bigbang-imnida) it mean " My name is bigbang" and I don't know, I just liked it
• 31: Last book you read? the pact by jodi picoult
• 32: Last song you listened to? Out of the Town [*]  by Fun.
• 33: Last show you watched? Better off Ted
• 34: Last person you talked to? Ruth
• 35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Well me and him are friends, close friends, not best friends, just friends
• 36: Favorite food? I like Chinese food the most
• 37: Place you want to visit? I would love to visit Mexico or El Salvador 
• 38: Last place you were? My friends house, we were eating taco bell
• 39: Do you have a crush? sotra, kinda, I don't even know my old feelings
• 40: Last time you kissed someone? umm.. that old bestfriend I was talking about, we were talking last year and that was our way to say goodbye
• 41: Last time you were insulted and what was it? earlier today b/c i look nice going out side and doing laundry 
• 42: What color underwear are you wearing? teal
• 43: What color shirt are you wearing? yellow
• 44: What color bottoms are you wearing? brown
• 45: Wearing any bracelets? nope
• 46: Last sport you played? disc golf, look it up
• 47: Last song you sang? It gets better by Fun.
• 48: Last prank call you remember doing? ugh, I hate prank call getting them and doing them
• 49: Last time you hung out with anyone? my friend at her house, no one was home and she had 3 boxes of pizza, but we wanted taco bell and I had money
• 50: Favorite movie? OMG Coyote Ugly, Mean girls, Scott Pilgrim, ugh, bring it on. I have like a lot 

i mean if you guy want to ask me anything, go here and you can be anonmous and don't have to have a tumblr to ask

So there's this who I text every and yesterday we were talking and he was like "You're better than that." and I don't know what came over me, but I replied with "Actually, I'm not." and he hasn't text-ed me back. I don't care that much, he really pissed me off. I really need to do laundry, but someone is already doing it (did i mention I live in an apartment?). So I have to wait a VERY long time, UGH. I need clothes for tomorrow. I, for some reason, am really excited for school on Monday. I don't even want to go back, but when I think about it, I get all happy -.-

The Websites I Visit the Most according to My Laptop

which I think is a lie

I totally don't use the last two a lot.

dad: why are you crying into that pillow?

me: *muffled* BECAUSE I CAN'T BE CUTE